I told y’all I’d write again soon, so here goes!! ✍🏼
I had the privilege of being published in this Dayspring devotional book recently, and I thought it was fitting to post about it as THIS WEEK marked FOUR YEARS in California.
It’s crazy how much has changed, how much has stayed the same & ironically, the thing I feared so much when I moved out here have continued to plague the Ketchum family.
I’ve slowly watched my mom‘s health decline, and the fear I had of losing her before moving out here has stayed with me. Mom continues to battle chronic pain and illnesses, and has been taken to the hospital just about every three months since I’ve moved. It’s hard to explain what it’s like to live with this backpack of grief.
My mom hasn’t died, but it’s like I’ve lost her in some sense as the years have gone by. And I sure miss her.
My church has been doing an amazing series (Visit https://www.myrhythmchurch.com if you want to check it out!) on suffering and grief.
We are all suffering with something. And for some of us, it’s a bit more excruciating and debilitating than others. I don’t really like to talk about it because it makes me so sad, and I’m a happy person! But I’ve basically spent the majority of my 20s, pivotal years of my life, watching my mom slowly fade away from the woman I once knew her to be.
The once vivacious, powerhouse of a woman, who never stopped talking (you remember— chats until 2am when you couldn’t escape!) is now this quant, quiet and sweet mama of mine. My mom used to run the show as a corporate trainer for Hyatt hotels. She used to be the only female in her office selling life insurance for Northwestern Mutual.
I remember her telling me that in a meeting with all men one time, she secretly asked the waiter beforehand to bring her apple juice every time she ordered a whiskey neat…needless to say, she showed up all those men, won that business deal and did it with class.
My mom is one of the most incredible people I know. So I think that’s why it’s so hard to grieve her — because she’s still there, but not really there.
If you have the privilege of knowing my mom, you know what I’m talking about. And my dad… don’t even get me started. To know him is to love him! He has been the most incredible caregiver, day in and day out. Maybe sharing too much information about mom‘s health complications with us at times, but that’s another reason why we love him so much. He can’t help but be 100% himself — his fun loving, energetic, always optimistic self. And love my mama so well. Even when it’s bad. Like real bad.
Even when we’re all sitting around the hospital room with mom. Or he’s calling us to tell us about another ER visit. No matter what it is, we get through it by laughing together as a family. Because if you don’t laugh, you cry right?!
And I think that’s the weirdly amazing thing about suffering…you’re never in it by yourself.
Jesus is always down in the hole with you, but there’s always someone else around you suffering too. It’s not like we’re just all walking around this planet with no one around us that understands.
Suffering is for a purpose.
We may never understand why we have to suffer, but I sure know that my family is closer than ever because of the suffering.
We see Jesus in ways we never would’ve seen him. I relate to people so deeply when they’re going through hard things because I know exactly what it’s like — even when I don’t. I just know what it’s like to be traumatized by grief day in and day out, and live with it whether I want to or not.
So please remember, dear friend, your suffering is never for nothing. It may feel like God is holding you against the fire, but just like gold, it’s the only way to get the impurities out.
The heat — the hardship.
And you are all the more beautiful because of it.
You aren’t alone in your suffering.
Jesus promised us, “never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” I know there a lot of people walking around on this earth right now thinking they’ve been forsaken. And I think that is the number one lie of the enemy these days — to get us to think that we are alone in our suffering and pain.
I am here to tell you that you are not alone!!
I also want to encourage you — if you’re waiting for someone to get better in your life or waiting for a reason to do something, that day may never come.
Trust in the promptings that God gives and live the life he has for you! It’s going to be way better than anything you can dream up. I promise you. I sometimes tear up thinking about how much further along I am in my eating disorder recovery, codependency and how much more real Jesus is to me. I never would be in this place if I hadn’t trusted God and taken the risk to move out here four years ago!
To grieve is to love, and when we remember that, it changes everything. Even if grief sure a weird thing to live with.
I’ve spent a lot of years bottling up my emotions, thinking being busy or working out would make the feelings go away… turns out, the only way to deal with your feelings is to feel them!
Who would have thought!
So stop being like me and asking yourself why you’re feeling a certain way and just feel it! We may never know the reason. I sure can’t tell you why! But what I can tell you is I know for a fact that I am only half the woman I am today because of my mom and what she continues to endure. She even said it herself a few weeks back, she knows God isn’t finished with her yet.
God has never left her side, my side or my family’s side in our grief.
And he will never leave yours!
If you are grieving or going through it right now, I’d love to pray for you. Please send me a message 🙏🏼The only way out is through…and one day when we meet Jesus face to face, it will all make sense. Until then, stay strong in the Lord. Don’t give up hope. And keep your chin up. You’re going to get through this!
Written September 13, 2022
Comments