It all started when I was 13.
I remember 8th grade like it was yesterday.
Every single night you could find me in my room, doing my push-ups, sit ups, donkey kicks, leg circles, you name it - to the new Fall Out Boy CD.
I had to get my routine in.
No matter what.
It was a simple workout that I usually did it in my pajamas.
Sometimes I'd even do it when everyone went to sleep.
But I never missed a night.
And if my dad or sister walked into my room when I was mid sit-up, I'd jump up as fast as I could, sit at my desk & pretend like I was doing homework.
I didn't want anyone to see me.
I didn't know it then, but I was ashamed.
Ashamed of myself, ashamed of my body and overall, ashamed of a lot of things.
And God forbid my sister saw me getting in an extra set of sit ups after we both went on our separate runs and did our Pilates DVD....
I was in a competition with my older sister on top of it all.
But deeper than that...
I was in a competition with myself.
And I never won.
I talk a lot on here about having an eating disorder, binge eating, dieting, over-eating, restricting, purging, etc... But I think the thing that has been an even bigger factor in my life, and now in my healing, is overcoming the obsession.
Because that 8th grade Elsa has been obsessed for a while.
And getting UN-OBSESSED with exercise has been one of the scariest thing I've ever done.
Because when you exercise 5-6 days a week, and think that's what's healthy, you have complete control over your life.
Everything else can be falling apart, but you made it to the gym.
You're in control.
You're going to be fine.
Or so you think.
Because your life happiness and contentment soon becomes dictated by your workout.
Or lack thereof.
And those days you can't get to the gym? Something comes up and you can't make it?
You freak out. You beat yourself up.
You obsess about figuring out when you can get there next.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying going to the gym is a bad thing AT ALL.
Some of the workouts in the hard times have literally saved my life.
Especially instructors who believed in me, yelled at me during those 3 minute planks, and said I could do it even when everything else felt like it was falling apart.
So maybe that's why I've clung to exercise.
It's been my form of control.
And like I've said before - maybe it was the only stability I felt like I had in those chaotic years.
I will never forget one of my best friends asking me Junior year of college if I thought I was obsessed with going to the gym. And that it might be an idol in my life.
Excuse me?
That's a true friend asking a STRAIGHT UP question.
And she was right.
I talked about the gym all the time. I lived for the gym. I would feel guilty if I didn't go and I would plan my entire day around when I could go.
And two funny parts about Elsa in college?
I weighed more than I weigh now, dieted all the time and binged all the time. And half of my workouts were just punishing myself for the food I had eaten.
It wasn't until later that I realized you can't workout your way out of eating badly.
In college college my obsession was in full force and even though I was exercising almost every day, I was miserable. I constantly felt defeated, fat and ugly.
And it continued on after graduation.
I found workout classes my first year out of college: kickboxing, spin class, BodyPump (which is like an hour of lifting light weights to music).
And my body started to get sculped the way I always wanted it to.
I thought I was finally healing and "in recovery" because I had lost weight and I wasn't binging as much....
But really, it just made the obsession worse.
Because now I had to maintain it.
And I write all of this today because I think over-exercise might be an even bigger issue than the food itself.
I'm not saying to scratch the gym.
I'M JUST SAYING YOU MIGHT BE OBSESSED LIKE I WAS.
Gut punch, I know.
But friends that sugarcoat everything? Newsflash - they're not your real friends. I'll shoot it to you straight.
This is why I weight train - I choose to no longer in a constant battle with myself.
I don't do all my isolated little exercises to get my triceps looking good and that part right below my butt cheeks toned. I lift 3 days a week, that's it.
And I'm not obsessed.
I still worry a little bit about it if I miss a day or I'm sick...but WAY less than I would have a few years ago. And I try to not beat myself up.
And want to know what SHOCKED me?
My body hasn't turned to mush!
I know if you're obsessed with working out you think this too...
OMG TWO DAYS OFF!!
NOOOO!!
I AM GOING TO TURN INTO A PILE OF LARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get it, girl.
I get it.
I just come back and pick up where I left off. And it's liberating. It's helping me let go.
And it's also burning the shame out of me.
I have nothing to be ashamed of. And neither do you.
You are beautiful and wonderfully made, and your body was never the problem.
The thing about addiction I've learned: you don't realize how bad it is until you're getting out.
You don't realize how much you missed out on until you find your way out.
And you don't realize how much you've exhausted your body trying WAY too hard when maybe you just needed a damn rest day.
I'm a Ketchum.
We are chronic doers.
Have you met my dad?
Exactly.
By "doers" I mean OVER-DOERS.
We do nothing halfheartedly.
We stuff 100 pounds into a 10 pound bag every day, energetically and with a smile too, and pride ourselves in how much we get done.
And we don't miss our workouts.
If you've ever seen my dad running with a headlamp, you'd understand this more fully.
Some would say it's amazing, others just know we're straight up crazy.
And I have always been praised for how much I got done.
And I never realized until now how much this spilled over into every other aspect of my life.
Especially exercise.
"I didn't push myself hard enough in that workout."
"I was so lazy today I didn't get anything done."
"I could have done more."
"I could have helped more."
And the list goes on...
So the question you don't want to be asked...
Are you obsessed?
Are you trying to workout your way out of your eating disorder?
It won't work, sister.
I've tried.
Killing yourself in another cardio session is not going to get you over your issues.
When are you going to be at peace with yourself?
When are you going to be able to enjoy a beach day with your friends even if you DID NOT get in your workout?
When are you going to be able to enjoy your LIFE if you miss a workout?
And I must ask this, are you judging other people who don't workout?
Cause they're so lazy? And overweight? And if they worked out they wouldn't be overweight?
LET'S STOP THIS.
YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN SOMEONE ELSE JUST BECAUSE YOU DID MORE JUMP SQUATS AT THE GYM THIS MORNING.
You hear me?
That attitude is detrimental.
You don't have more "will-power" because you workout more or harder than other people.
You are not better than anyone else.
And if you're like me, where was that will power when you binged after your workout?
Or were you just working out so hard to overcompensate for the crap food fest you had the night before?
Exactly........!
This why I am so passionate about this topic and this is why I train.
It's not about "how I feel about my body."
It's about getting strong and being strong, physically, mentally and emotionally, so I can live a healthy, un-obsessed life.
That's it.
Oh and if you haven't heard, I'm becoming a Barbell Coach, so that's pretty cool.
And let me tell you- it's a hell of a lot more empowering to work WITH your body and get stronger than it is to constantly be at war with yourself.
So....you ready to train with me???
xx
E
Photo by: R. A. Mitchell
Ron is a coach at The Strength Co. Check out his other amazing photography work here:
P. S. If you're so focused on trying to manipulate your life (or your body) to be a certain way, you might be trying to do it all on your own. I know that's been me for most of my life. God has WAY bigger things for me and you. And while we can manipulate and plan out good things for our lives...and think we are in control. We aren't. At all. And truly? From my personal experience? His plans for our lives won't even come close to what we can dream up for ourselves.
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