As I sit in this warehouse eating my bad white cheddar Nutri System Mac & Cheese, I’m starting to think to myself, “what is my life?” I’m still hungry so I grab a jar of pickles from the work fridge. Living off a budget is so fun. Forgetting to food shop is even more fun. But even though I’m in the middle of a warehouse today eating crappy Mac and cheese for lunch, I’m really content. I’m really thankful. I’m thankful for my new home. My apartment finally feels like home. We have couches and side tables and cute rugs and a nice kitchen. We are throwing a house warming party this weekend and over 20 people RSVP’d! And living with Victoria was one of the best decisions I could have made. Obviously it was an easy one- she was a good friend from college and we have been roommates before. But moving back in together after being apart for a year, growing and learning and living separate lives and then coming back together and trying to make it work was a risk I didn’t even think about. What if we both changed and weren’t as close as we thought?
I’m happy to say that although this thought has crossed my mind, having Victoria as my roommate has been the best. We just laugh so much together and she gets it. She gets what it’s like to not feel settled and not have your own space. (Side note I don’t even know how old these pickles are- just thought of that). She lived in a few places last year just like me. She knows what it’s like to not feel at home. And although this has by far been the hardest transition of my life, I would do it 100 times over if it meant being where I am today. I have never felt more free and alive. I’m sad and still deeply mourning the loss of my best friend in Greensboro, but time is healing me. Time heals all of us. It’s just up to us to wait upon Gods perfect timing to let the healing begin.
Spending time with my sister and her adorable husky has been a highlight of moving back. And being able to go to her house whenever I want has been such a safe haven. Just throwing myself on her big red couch after work and doing sister things together (ie painting nails and watching Grey’s Anatomy) has been so cathartic for me. I thought I cried a lot last year. I might possibly cry more now. But it’s beautiful. I’m a beautiful mess and I’m so thankful for my life. I’ve started to pray for the people I work with by name. And try to wake up earlier each day to just sit with Jesus and converse with him before I speed down the highway to work. Change is hard and moving sucks. I’ve done it too much and I wonder when I’ll get a break. When I’ll feel settled. But I’m starting to feel settled in the unsettled, if that makes any sense.
Current Updates: I finally ordered a bed. Victoria was like, “Elsa, everyone buys beds. Nobody ever went broke buying a bed!” And she’s right. So I did. I think it arrives today! (I’m editing this post right now after work, it did arrive today and I can’t wait to sleep on it tonight!) So better sleep is exponentially going to improve my quality of life. I’ve also realized I just have a super sensitive nose, so even though I don’t always smell the best smells in our apartment, candles and baking pumpkin bread can help tremendously. And vacuuming and dusting often. That does it too.
Also, I have felt so off because I haven’t found a church yet. But I also haven’t really been trying. Sorry, dad. I visited an Anglican church Sunday and I loved it. I bawled the entire service- couldn’t even tell you why. But I just sobbed and praised Jesus and felt at home. Because as I said in my last post, Jesus is my home.
Currently trying not to eat the Charleston Chews sitting on the break table right now. That Mac and Cheese just didn’t hit the spot. But it was free, so whatever!
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