Breathe

You know what really encourages me? The people that aren't fully "there" yet.

The ones that encourage you so much because they're still in the midst of their own struggles.

I am going to be that girl for you.

I think it's a heck of a lot more encouraging when someone who isn't quite there yet shares about their own struggles and is open about their shortcomings.

The girl that is still working on herself and woke up this morning still hating what she saw in the mirror, still nervous to go to another Christmas party and still feeling gross in her leggings.

That's the girl that needs to be sharing what's really going on.

This girl.

(Side note, I love this picture. It's from New Year's Eve 2018 at the San Diego Zoo. If this photo doesn't show you how real I am, nothing will.)

Anyway, back to my story.

I am that girl, and let me set the scene for you.

It's somewhere between 8:15am and 9:00am. It's Saturday morning. I'm in spin class. The room is dark, sweat is beating down my face and under my breath I shout to myself, "go, go go, go, go!

The instructor is yelling at us (like in a nice, not forceful yell)

"Don't forget to breathe!!"

I was huffing and puffing and grimacing - and if you've ever seen me during a spin class, you know I can be intense. I do nothing in this life daintily. And I definitely don't take the command "add resistance to the bike" lightly.

The track was hard and the instructor kept reminding us to breathe.

I partly look like I'm going to die (see photo of me above for reference, my face looked something like that), but somewhere deep down in my soul, I love this.

It's my "me time." And I feel empowered as hell.

Spin is the 45 minutes I get where nobody needs me. I can't check my text messages or my email and no one can get a hold of me. And for that matter, no one even knows where I am. It's just me, the bike and the resistance nob. I'm not thinking about how I can help anyone else or that I'm not good enough. I'm not thinking about my body and all it's imperfections. It's 45 minutes of a clear mind, of cleared thoughts and no feelings of worthlessness.

The only thing I can think about is my breathing.

I'm just sweating and panting and trying to get through the 30 second sprint without my quads feeling like they're gonna snap off- lactic acid is no joke, people.

But this focus is doing something a lot deeper in me.

It's helping me slough off the lies I believe about myself- the lies of worthlessness that I woke up with, the lies that I will never get over these issues and the lies that I am not good enough.

And this morning I had to be reminded to breathe.

The word breathe means a lot to me. I forget to breathe a lot, literally and figuratively, hence why I made it my theme word for 2019.

Ever have a word for the new year? Like some new motto you want to embody and focus on?

My parents always thought of clever slogans for the New Year.

"Less is more in 2004!"

It's gonna be great in 2008! (looking back now, not really the best year...)

"Mighty fine in 2009!"

Well.

Breathe was my word for 2019.

I picked this word because I wanted to be especially aware of how I need to take time to step back and breathe. It didn't rhyme, but it was my motto. I was so stressed at the beginning of the year, and I knew this word was what I needed to work on. A few months prior to this too, someone, who would later become a really close friend, prayed this word over me too. I knew it wasn't a coincidence. Maybe there was something to it.

But boy did I have no clue what the year would have in store for me.

Sometimes God gives us exactly what we pray for.

And ways to practice it.

And it ain't pretty.

And we realize maybe we shouldn't have asked for that specific thing after all.

I had to practice my breathing over and over and over again this year.

I had to remember to breathe when my mom had a heart attack in January of 2019.

I had to remember to breathe when the family I lived with (basically my saving grace) put their house on the market in February of 2019.

I had to remember to breathe when I was in over my head in a job with constant anxiety in March of 2019.

I had to remember to breathe when I quit my job without another job lined up in April of 2019.

And the year went on...

In August, I had to practice my breathing when I started weight lifting. Literally. I had to focus on it and practice breathing at the right time during my squats and presses and deadlifts. If you breathe incorrectly, you won't be able to pull or push the weight. Who knew something so simple could actually be really difficult?

Just the other day, I had to remember to breathe when I bought bread at the grocery store. (Go read my post about bread if you haven't already - if buying a loaf of sourdough gives you anxiety too, it might be a good read for ya)

And this morning, I had to remember to breathe in spin class.

We live in our crazy thoughts and the spinning situations we replay over and over.

And we forget to breathe.

All.

The.

Time.

And honestly? Life is so much simpler than we make it.

The internal voices are still terrible, and some days, like today, I still listen.

"Be careful at the Christmas party today, don't eat too much. Definitely restrict this week."

"Only clean foods, how many workouts can you get in before you go home?"

"Are you weight lifting or just justifying being fat now?"

And again, this is where I have to stop myself and remember to breathe.

This is what my 2019 was full of: moments where I had to remember to breathe.

And this is what my healing looks like.

And it's really ugly some days.

And I have to remind myself to breathe on a daily basis.

And twelve months into this year, I'm still practicing my breathing every single day. I still had to remind myself to breathe when I looked in the mirror this morning and criticized what I saw.

I had to take a deep breath and remind myself to not let a week of eating badly ruin my weekend or ruin my Christmas.

I've made so much progress. These lies no longer run every second of every day for me.

But I still forget to breathe.

It seems so simple, but I forget to do it all the time.

Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? Are you forgetting to breathe in an area of your life? You might never really feel "ready," but you have the remember to breathe and do it anyway!

I didn't feel ready to take my shirt off and ride in my sports bra and leggings again in spin class today- but I did it anyway. And it sure felt good.

I didn't feel ready to move across the country without an official job offer. But I did it anyway. And all I can do is praise God for the amazing life I have now.

I didn't feel ready when I thought about losing my mom when she had her heart attack. But I showed up, got on that plane and waited at the hospital.

And I still don't feel ready to be on this journey of healing and talking about my issues and trying to encourage people while I am still in thick of it.

BUT I AM JUST GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

Just like my girl Dani reminded me this morning, you have to remember to breathe!

We have to breathe in deeply and stop believing everything we think.

We have to breathe in the fresh air of this beautiful life and start believing the truth about ourselves.

So what is it? What's going on in your own life right now that is giving you constant anxiety? What is keeping you up at night?

In what are of your life are you forgetting to breathe?

Those demons are calling your name and want to get a hold of you, but you have a lot more power over them than you think.

Breathe, bb. Life is tough, but you're a lot tougher than you think.

Breathe in deeply. Let the lies slough away.

"Breath calms us down. Breathing is a gift from God."

E

P. S. I had to call my parents to remember some of the yearly slogans our family coined. Mom and dad both agreed that "It's gonna be great in 2008" might have been a bit too optimistic for the year the recession hit. Before hanging up, I asked what the slogan should be for this year. Mom, in her wisdom and without missing a beat, said, "There will be plenty in 2020." Well said, mama. Even with everything you've been through, you're still my amazing mom. And that will never change.

P. P. S. Please do yourself a favor and book a spin class with my girl, Dani. She is 100% the real deal. Find her @mirrorslapsandtapbacks on Instagram. Her classes will change you. They're changing me- especially if you need the reminder to remember to BREATHE!