You know how I know my mind isn’t right?
Some days I look in the mirror and I LOVE what I see.
I’m like, “Wow, you got it going ON, Els!! You're so hot!!"
And then other days, or even hours later... it’s like the scene from White Chicks, and I'm yelling to myself, “Somebody throw Shamu back into the ocean!!”
Why the heck am I like this?!?
I've realized something recently: I don’t look like I have an eating disorder.
Yet, at the same time....
I'm still the girl that gets so down on herself because she's gained weight.
I'm still the girl that is obsessed with what she will eat.
I'm still the girl that's always thinking about her body and comparing herself to other people.
And I'm still the girl that gets nervous to post pictures of herself (or worse, still the girl that cringes when she gets that dreaded Facebook notification. "You've been Tagged in a Photo." You know exactly what I'm talking about. I know you do!)
And this is why I’m sharing these raw thoughts right now.
I used to judge people on what they ate, what they looked like, how much they worked out and I would compare myself to other's constantly. And I still do sometimes.
And I judge myself.
Am I bigger than that person or not?
How much is she eating?
I wish I was smaller like her. She must have it so easy.
I am still the girl that feels inadequate to even be writing about fitness/lifting/eating well/overcoming eating issues.
Why?
Because I still don't feel like my body looks "good enough."
And it comes right back to this: my mind isn't right.
**NEWSFLASH!** NOBODY LOOKS LIKE THEY HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!
You can’t see bipolar disorder.
You can’t see depression.
You can’t see cancer.
And you can’t see an eating disorder.
So can we PLEASE stop judging people based off of what we see?
Your friend that lost weight might look great, but are they great on the inside?
Unless you REALLY know them, you have no idea what they are going through.
I say these things because I am still in the thick of it. I still have these horrible thoughts about other people and about myself. I hate to even be this honest, but the only way out is through, right?
And it's time to get my mind right.
No matter what my body has looked like, my mind hasn’t been right. Yet people always seem to compliment me the most when I'm smaller.
A friend of mine and I used to joke about it. We were both heavier in college, and after graduating, we both lost some weight. We would laugh when people would exclaim, "Wow you REALLY have lost A TON of weight! Look at you!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's like, "Thank you? I was a whale before, so thanks for acknowledging that I'm not anymore?"
Can we stop doing this?
Weight loss isn't the end all be all. So why do we praise it as if it's the greatest thing someone can do?
For all you know, the person you might be praising for losing weight may have been hospitalized or have cancer. Or they have so much going on in their life that they feel like food and exercise is the only thing they can control.
You just don't know.
Let's stop judging people’s bodies and what they're eating.
I have to tell myself this often: Stay in your lane, Elsa.
The donut that person is savoring might be a giant LEAP forward in their recovery.
And that egg white spinach omelette might just be exactly what someone wanted to order. No, they're not on a diet. They just wanted it.
I wanted to share with you where my mind was the morning before I left on vacation. Let's see if you can relate:
What about my workout schedule while I’m gone this week? I feel so gross right now. Huge. I feel so huge. My body is going to turn to mush if I stop training. I’m going to get so fat again. I already am fat again. Am I just being lazy? I’m lazy. And fat. I’m going to text my aunt about going to the gym while I am there. And a yoga class. Maybe I can go to spin one day. I will walk with her each morning. And just be really good about what I eat so I don’t feel gross. Ugh. But I don’t want to diet! It’s Thanksgiving! I want to enjoy!! I should delete that picture I posted. I don’t even look that good in it. Will I ever get over this? Why am I so insecure?? I encourage everyone else to love themselves yet here I am.
God, I know my mind is where all of these thoughts start but can I just be over this all by now. Please?
And then God said this:
Daughter,
I want you to take every thought captive. You have never done this. That is why this is all so hard. You are worrying about all of these things and you don’t even realize the gifts I’ve given you to enjoy today because you are too worried about tomorrow. Can you please just take a breath? Can you please just let some things go? Can you please just trust me in this process? You are growing and molding and becoming who I want you to be. This is going to take time and it is going to be painful. But I am with you. You are un-learning everything you have believed for far too long. You are not there yet. And it’s okay. I still love you. Just trust me.
Ok, God. Ok!
And maybe I am so insecure about what people think of me because I have been the most judgmental of myself this entire time.
I’m on a quest to find the truth and believe it more for myself, and I pray this holiday season, if you’ve ever struggled like I have, that you wouldn’t let your mind keep you from enjoying your loved ones.
Enjoy those around you. Enjoy your grandmother's homemade pie. Stop focusing on what your body looks like or what you’re wearing or when you can workout.
Worry about the people sitting around the table with you.
I had to consciously tell myself this at Thanksgiving this year. It's hard. I am still so judgmental of others and of myself. But just like a muscle, we have to work at rewiring our brains in order to think correctly.
And this takes conscious effort. It's work.
Get out of your head. Stop thinking you are worthless because you gained weight. Stop glorifying weight loss like it will solve all of your problems. And if you fought this Thanksgiving to enjoy the food, not obsess, not binge and not purge, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! That is huge!!
And if you did...it's okay. Take a deep breath. You are not a failure. I have been there. And you don't need to start another diet tomorrow.
There are good days ahead. I promise.
As we wrap up Turkey Day and get ready for Christmas and even more cookies and meals and holiday cheer....let's not live in fear of it.
Let's not overthink every aspect of it.
Let's eat intuitively, no matter how scary it might be.
Let's get our workouts in.
Let's eat what makes us feel good.
And let's move on!
Because you know what really matters? The people, not the bodies they inhabit. So the next time you catch yourself looking at someone's body, and judging them either positively or negatively, or even judging your own, look at their face. Look them in the eyes, look at their smile. Look at how strong they are. Ask them to tell you about something they love. That's what really matters anyway.
We might become less judgmental of ourselves as we work on being less judgmental of others.
And I promise you, you're the only one thinking you looked like Shamu in that picture. I swear.
E
P. S. Thanksgiving has been celebrated, so let the CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES BEGIN! I expect everyone to have Christmas music blasting for the next month OR ELSE.
P. P. S. If you have ED victories you'd like to share with me, ways you enjoy the holidays and ways you are healing, I'd love to hear from you! Please send me a message! I would love to hear about them and cheer you on. You got this. We're in this together.
Written Sunday November 24, 2019
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