I just went to a worship night, and I literally balled my eyes out for the last 30 minutes. The pastor asked those who needed healing to raise their hands. I turned to my friend, “I know this is silly, but I’d really like prayer for my toe.” (backstory - the day prior, I sprained one of my toes & it was painful to walk/stand)
The pastor asked those around to put their hands on the ones who raised their hands, and she turned to her boyfriend to tell him what we were praying for.
Then I realized, as all the voices began to lift up all the needs in the room, that I needed to ask for healing for something much bigger in my life.
Much bigger than my toe.
I turned to my friend and gave her another prayer request.
You see, I love Jesus. I want everyone in my life to know him. I love going to church and I’ve been a Christian basically all of my life.
But sometimes I don’t pray for certain things.
Why?
Because sometimes I don’t actually believe God will answer me.
There, I said it.
Deep down, if I’m really honest with myself, I think God won’t come through for me.
Or my family.
Or my mom.
Especially my mom.
So I don’t pray for my mom to be healed as much anymore.
And then it started to bubble up within me…
I started crying - almost uncontrollably.
The warm tears streamed down my face.
And then I began to sort of laugh cry— did my friends boyfriend think I’m bawling like a baby over my toe??
I think I have so many tears built up from all the years of holding it all in (or at least trying to) and they finally need to come out.
I don't know if mom will ever be healed. I want her to be out of pain but I can feel such guilt that I often wish for her to be with Jesus just so she can be out of pain.
But all of the mixed emotion?
All of my wondering why?
The "why isn’t mom healed yet??"
The "why has she had her life taken from her, yet she’s still here, but not here?"
Jesus holds it all.
Every ounce of those emotions.
And he is there.
I don't have to explain the feelings or know why I feel bad. I just have to feel them and keep giving it all to Him.
Feel. Deal. Heal.
It's the only way.
With hands raised, I just gave it to Jesus again.
Asking again for a miracle.
Asking again for God to come through.
And this time, actually believing He would, however that may look.
I got a vision while I was crying with my eyes closed.
Jesus was sitting with me during a visit with my mom. Just sitting on the couch with us, it was very causal. And I got a word from him— even if I can't explain why my mom has been in pain for all these years...why she is in the state she’s in physically….I just know Jesus is right there.
There with her in it.
Sitting with us.
He is there.
He's always been there.
And he will always be there.
He wrote the story and will be there for the ending, however it goes.
I have such hope because I know my mom fully knows and trusts Jesus. She has hope in her pain.
She has everything in Him.
So if you’re reading this and you need some sort of hope — I want to remind you: God hears you.
Whatever you’re praying for, keep praying.
Prayer isn’t just to get stuff. God isn’t a vending machine or a genie.
He is everything.
He holds everything together.
And when you have relationship with someone, you talk to them, right? Tell them everything, listen to them and trust them, right?
That’s exactly what prayer is.
At the end of the day, prayer doesn’t just change my situation, heal my mom or change me — it changes everything.
And that is why I’ll keep praying. 🤲🏼
Written January 23, 2023
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