I joined a bible study a few weeks ago- it's a 10 week study called Rooted.
I am absolutely loving it.
During the ten weeks, we have been asked to share our “story.”
Basically, how we know God is real.
And if I went back in time, I probably couldn’t tell you what I said the other day when it was my turn to share. Of course I signed up to go first just to get it over with, but it was really cool to be encouraged by a lot of people while preparing what I was going to share.
And if I was sitting with you right now, I’d recite this verse from memory.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
I’ve lived most of my life in fear - no wonder this is my favorite verse.
It’s been one I’ve gone back to over and over again.
I remember finding this verse when I was in the thick of my eating disorder. I must have been 15 or 16. I remember my mom volunteered at the Market Street Mission- a Christian rehabilitation center. Mom started volunteering there when I was in high school and would help all of these men, most of which had been previosuly homeless or struggling with addiction, with job skills, people skills and teach them how to put their best foot forward in an interview.
I remember her teaching them odd things too, like how to cut their fingernails or how to give a good handshake.
But most of all, I remember how my mom called these men her knights.
She went by Queen Sarah. She wore a plastic crown when she volunteered too. As a 15 year old, it was my worst nightmare. I was so embarrassed of the things my mom would do...and here I am crying as I write this because my mom is one of the greatest women alive. She helped these men become men. She would knight them and crown them and remind them of their worth in Christ.
She instilled Scripture and love into these men, just like she loved and instilled Scripture into me. No wonder I was able to memorize this verse so quickly.
It’s no coincidence I found this verse at the Market Street Mission. And it’s no coincidence that these skills I have now are because of my mom. Public speaking, talking a lot, writing...it all comes from her.
Now back to the verse.
“So do not fear, I am with you."
It’s not a question- it’s a command.
I've done a lot of things to try to mask my fear, pain and insecurity. And from the outside, you’d have no idea I was struggling so much, especially when I was growing up.
I have two amazing parents and a beautiful sister. I've honestly had an amazing life thus far and it just keeps getting better
But I have really let fear creep in.
I have clung to a lot of things.
When I was little, my mom broke both of her feet at the same time.
I was about 3 or 4. I learned very quickly how to make mommy and daddy happy.
“Go get mommy a diet coke, honey.”
And that’s where I learned.
I can make everyone happy if I serve and make everyone else happy!
But that couldn't help me through high school.
As all kids do growing up, I felt out of control. I was insecure. I didn't know my worth.
Unknowing it at the time, I began restricting everything I ate. Counting calories meticulously and doing daily workout routines in my room led me to anorexia pretty quickly before my 14th birthday.
I remember going to the Galapagos Islands that summer with my grandma, sister and cousins. I had just turned 14. I was rail thin and in the thick of my eating disorder -it’s just so sad looking back that such amazing memories were so tainted by my obsession to be thin.
And my obsession to be in control.
But really what it boiled down to was my fear.
And my eating disorder was one way I could maintain my fear. If I was thin and in shape, maybe I wound’t be afraid.
Maybe I’d feel safe.
But it’s like I forgot that entire time that Jesus was carrying me- he was with me! I didn’t have to try harder. He was going to help me. He was there all along!
But I clung to my eating disorder.
And last I checked, clinging is not healthy.
Or maintainable.
That obsession with calorie counting led to binge eating and gaining a lot of weight really quickly as a freshman and sophomore in high school.
So my obsession with my body turned into chronic dieting- there I was, a healthy teenager who felt so fat and ugly every single day.
The enemy really knows how to creep in, doesn’t he?
That same clinging turned to boys and love….clinging to people that would never love me back.
You know that obsession with people?
Glad I know now that if a guy likes me, I won’t question it.
But I spent my college years being obsessed with guys that would never like me back.
My eating disorder turned into an exercise obsession and I clung as hard as I could.
I numbed with food, working out, boys, alcohol, you name it…
These things creep in so easily. It starts out so innocently, but it can really derail you completely!
Now back to that verse.
"Do not be dismayed for I am your God."
Dismayed- what does that mean?
To cause (someone) to feel consternation and distress.
Wow.
Has that not been my entire life??
Consternation and distress!
Fear is distress!
Going from my eating disorder to boys to exercise to alcohol back to boys is distress!
Where is the peace in that??
“Feelings of anxiety or dismay, typically at something unexpected.”
Yep.
This was most of my life. Hence why I have had so many jobs and moved so many times.
That sure sounds like distress to me.
And then there was my codependency.
I learned at a young age that taking care of others and focusing on others’ needs kept me safe - it’s what I thought kept the fear away.
If I felt stressed as a kid or even a teen, I’d do something for someone else. Get them a present, write them a card...do do do. Or as I got older, I'd go workout. I'd go eat something. I'd have a drink. I'd do anything I could to not feel that stress or anxiety.
But what I was really doing?
Not living the life God intended for ME!
There is a balance in everything - especially when it comes to serving!
Jesus told us to be servants and to love those around us and to SERVE OTHERS!
But what happens when that service is really just a mask for fear?
And you really don’t even know who you are?
I didn’t ask God to overcome this- because I thought I could overcome people pleasing and codependency on my own.
I was asked after I shared my story in my Rooted group how I have overcome my codependency.
And my real answer?
I haven’t fully overcome it.
I still live with a lot of guilt and shame in thinking I never do enough for those around me.
But really the only way to heal from this is by following Jesus’ example - and going to therapy!
Jesus was the son of God who died for our sins, yet he still had boundaries.
Jesus was the savior of the world but he was not codependent.
Jesus didn’t overextend- he knew when he needed to leave and be alone in the woods and go pray to God.
He knew when he needed to cancel plans.
He knew when he needed to just sleep!
If the son of GOD can stay asleep in a boat when the world is tossing and turning around him, we can too.
We can follow Jesus’ example and stay asleep in the boat when the storm is rushing around.
But how can we truly rest and follow His example if we’re always running around like chickens with our heads cut off thinking we can do it all on our own?
“I will strengthen you and I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Then I found strength training.
Literally God strengthened me.
I’m stronger physically than I’ve ever been in my life.
Little did I know my move to California, working for a mega church, finding a strength training gym, a global pandemic and a romantic relationship would completely change my life.
God strengthened me in more ways than one.
And the coolest part?
He’s been holding me in the palm of his hand all along….
“I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
It’s not a "might" hold you - it’s a will.
It’s a done deal.
It’s a “I’ll never let go of you kind of deal.”
I had no idea I could ever be in this place. Not living with so much guilt, not obsessing over food every second of every day, not missing lunch dates with friends because I am worried about the food or because I didn’t get a workout in.
I haven’t had the thought of “I need to start a diet on Monday” in YEARS. I am fully transparent with you when I say I never thought a few years ago I’d be in this place.
I share my story because I believe there is power in sharing how God works.
Freedom comes when we drop the shame and share where we have been- because it’s all God’s story. The good, the bad and the ugly parts. He alone will make it beauiful.
None of us are perfect, none of us will ever have it all together and none of us will be able to pick ourselves up like Jesus can.
But He can make all things new. He can truly redeem our stories.
So what's stopping you? Share your story!
I know there are other men and women out there cripped by their fears and insecurities. Obsessed every day with their physical bodies, overdoing, overextending, obsessing about another relationship and seeking their identity outside of Christ.
I’m here to tell you it’s Jesus - He is the answer.
He will save you. He will strengthen you. And he will heal you.
"So do not fear!"
Let your faith be bigger than your fear.
We let fear hold us back all the time. No more of that.
He will strengthen you.
He will help you.
He will uphold you with his righteous right hand.
Now b-slap that insecurity away and go get em, tiger.
xx
Written September 23, 2021
Edited October 1, 2021 (my parents 33rd Anniversary <3)
(And I am clamining this now- someday this will be in my book. Thanks for reading!)