I have completely changed.
I teared up thinking about exactly what I needed to write about today. Maybe this blog is for me more than it is for anyone else after all. I've had so many realizations and I've grown so much in this last year. And I need to share it.
So here's a post to encourage you, wherever you might be today.
I didn't do any "checking behaviors" this morning.
You know what that means? If you're in recovery or are currently in the midst of your eating disorder, you do it all the time.
I'm sure you know exactly what I mean.
You lift your shirt up every time you're in a bathroom to look at your stomach in the mirror.
You squeeze your thighs and grab the side of your hips just to check to see how big they are.
You try on that pair of jeans just because you want to make sure they still fit you.
You squeeze your arm to see what it would look like if it was smaller.
You look at your butt in the mirror and get annoyed at the cellulite.
This morning at the gym, a friend jokingly asked me, "are you checking out your abs?"
And I thought to myself NO!! (And I meant this in the best way possible)
FINALLY! I didn't! I didn't lift my shirt up in the bathroom at the gym this morning to look at my stomach. I didn't nit pick my body. I was tempted to look at my abs for a second, but then I realized that my last set of power cleans were way more important than being worried about the way my stomach looked.
I didn't do the checking behavior.
I had the thought to, but I tossed that lie out the window and shifted my focus to something better.
This was a big moment for me.
It means I'm actually changing.
It means I'm actually growing.
And it's crazy. Absolutely crazy.
I never dreamed I'd be in this place.
Now, how did I practically get to his place? All I can say? God. A lot of prayer. Amazing people. Opportunities that I wasn’t afraid to take. And barbell training.
It mainly comes down to this:
I am no longer pursuing weight loss every single day anymore.
I am no longer believing the lie that losing weight and getting my "ideal body" will fix all of my problems.
And you sure get a lot of head space back when every day is not filled with the anxiety that comes from worrying about your body, what you will eat, what you look like and when you are going to get your workout in.
I think it's been about my mindset all along.
We are what we think about, right?
I never realized how interconnected my mind, thoughts and heart all were. And I never realized how I had never dealt with the root of my problems.
The problem all along was never my body. The problem all along was ME. It was my mind. It was what I was thinking about. And I've just wanted to be in control.
Weight lifting has played a huge part in all of this. It has been the coolest (and hardest) journey the last few months. It has completely done a 180 with my mind.
It has forced me to let go- literally. In order to get stronger, I've had to focus on what my body can DO as opposed to what my body LOOKS like. I have had to shift my focus completely.
Your life will become a compilation of all of the negative or positive things you think about. And our thoughts have so much more power than we realize. I was so focused on my own body for so long. And hating it, every single day.
And my negative thoughts ran rampant, year after year, ruining my life and making me miss out on the fullness life had to offer.
And I am getting my head space back.
I am actually eating what my body is craving too. And to my surprise? I haven't gained a million pounds like I thought I would.
This is what recovery looks like for me.
Letting go does wonders.
Focusing on the right things does wonders.
This girl has been here all along. It's just taken time to uncover her. She's been buried under the rubble and cement of layers and layers of lies she's believed about herself for far too long.
And it's compounded after all of these years.
I never would have realized that lifting weights would begin the stripping process. The negative thoughts I've believed about myself have been chiseled away as I've added weight to the barbell. It's been a crazy.
And the timing of me even finding this gym paired with my move out to California couldn't have been more perfectly timed.
I've been exactly where I've needed to be all along.
And I am finally okay with my life exactly the way it is.
With the mess. With the unexpected bills. With the cancelled plans. With the hard stuff. With the to-do list that never ends. And with my body.
The circumstances aren't shaking me as much, and maybe it's because of all of the things this year has taught me.
I don't freak out anymore when problems arise.The external circumstances of this year were only warning lights to the internal chaos that was actually underneath the surface.
And the most important thing I've needed to overcome this year hasn't been all the crap that happened, but the crap inside my own mind.
I have had to completely change my way of thinking.
It's been so scary, so don't let me fool you. I feel like I've jumped off a bridge and I'm still free falling.
But when you stop dieting and constantly trying to get smaller all the time, you get your life back.
The focus no longer becomes food and your body anymore.
You can actually enjoy your life and live the way you were supposed to live all along.
So what is it about barbell training that has changed me?
I've never felt more confident in my own skin.
It's wild.
And I've never felt more comfortable just being MYSELF.
Lifting weights has made me become way less nit picky about my body without me even realizing it. I no longer look in the mirror and pick myself apart, wishing certain aspects of my body looked differently.
I see my body as a whole. I look at my legs and I look at my middle and my arms and my back and how it’s all connected. I see how strong I am.
AND IT IS SO EMPOWERING.
My focus has changed.
And through this process, my body really hasn't changed much. That's the craziest part. It's been my mind that has changed.
You are what you think you are.
So what are you thinking about? Are you thinking about the truth or are you living in the lies in your own head? You might not realize the narrow mindset you've had all along.
I’m not missing out on my life anymore because I’m hung up on my body.
Do you know how OUT OF THIS WORLD that feels?
I want you to have this feeling too. This is straight up healing. And progress. And I am so thankful.
What we focus on we become.
What are you focusing on so much that actually might be detrimental to your life?
How do you need to work to get your mind right?
I am not pursuing weightless every day anymore.
I am not constantly trying to be less.
And it’s a really sweet place to be.
The end.
E
Just like the sun rises every morning, you rise every morning too. You get a fresh start every single day. The sun reminds us that the darkness won't last for long. Your past doesn't have to define your future. You can overcome whatever it is that you are going through because truly, it all starts in the mind. We become what we focus on. So what are you focusing on? Join me in getting your head space back. It's worth the risk. I promise.
P. S. The sunrises from the front door of the Strength Co. are pretty spectacular. You should come check them out for yourself.
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