I think it all boils down to this:
WE NEED TO STOP HATING OUR BODIES!
And it needs to stop now.
And I mean it.
As I write this, I am in the thick of it.
I feel like my weight keeps fluctuating and I've spiraled out of control.
I was doing so great and now I've let a few weeks of bad eating get to me.
It's starting to make me question my worth.
It's hard to learn this intuitive eating thing, but also, when you eat whatever you want, sometimes the crappy stuff DOES make you feel like crap. I'm learning.
Diets aside, you do feel better when you eat better....but there's so much more to this....and this is why we need to talk about it.
By staying on this path thinking a "perfect body" will solve all of my problems, I'm just going to wake up in 30 years still hating myself and scrutinizing my legs in the mirror.
The fact that my 87 year old grandmother is still worried about her weight and says she needs to diet all the time just proves my point.
When will it stop? Life is for LIVING!
...and for Taco Tuesday with your girlfriends!
And MARGS!
Lots of margs!
And chips and guac and extra tortillas, thank you very much!!
Barbie who?
CALL ME CARBIE!
Life is for not being ashamed of our bodies.
Life is for actually living in freedom.
Life is for knowing that our worth doesn't change simply because our bodies change.
And really, it's as simple as that.
It's about time we just LOVE OURSELVES.
And I think Valentine's Day is a very good day to remember that life isn't just about loving others or finding that "one person" to love us.
It also includes loving ourselves.
How can you really love someone else if you don't even love yourself?
How much MORE would you be able to love others if you truly knew your worth?
I am working on this right alongside you.
So back to my soap box.
My girl Caitlin and I are going to start a Podcast.
See photo below - meet Caitlin. I love her. She's the best.
(And also Tupac lives, I don't care what anyone says he's on an island somewhere sippin' on gin & juice.)
(Photo Credit to Paul Tellefsen! Check out his work on Instagram @technopaul - he's amazing )
This girl has been my ride or die since moving to California.
We met so randomly through a mutual friend and our first memory together was actually the worst ski trip of all time. The snow was crap, half of the gear we brought was wrong and the brewery at the top of the mountain was OUT OF BEER.
But the craziest part?
A few years later when she and her husband found out they were pregnant and shared with me that they were moving back to SoCal....I was in the middle of deciding whether or not to move out to SoCal...
God knew I needed this friend.
She's been such a cheerleader for me and has supported me in ways I didn't even know I needed.
And that baby boy? He turned ONE this week.
Crazy to think how much can change in such a short amount of time.
Caitlin has encouraged me to stay on this path of growth, no matter how hard it feels some days. She doesn't love me any more or any less because of the way I look.
Like, at all.
She just loves me for me.
Plus, we really don't care about our bodies when we're plopped on the couch laughing together, enjoying wine and cheese plates.
Really.
Yet, I still find myself so consumed with hating my body.
So you'd think in moving to SoCal, I'd be changing to fit into this place more.
I live in Southern California after all.
Especially with all of the body image issues I have, right?
I mean, I didn't go to Pepperdine in Malibu mainly because I was worried it would make my issues worse.
At 18 years old, I was scared about moving out to California.
I was so nervous it would turn me into a Malibu Beach Barbie and steal my soul.
Yet here I am, just a few years later, living in Southern California, on the path to finally experiencing freedom.
Like whaaaaa??!
And I'm not a skinny blondie driving a Jeep and dating a Ken doll either. I'm Carbie, remember?!
Then I had this thought:
Like, what if I did have that Jeep of my dreams?
How much would my life actually change?
Would my life significantly be that much better?
So why on earth have I been thinking the same way about my body?
**Mic drop**
Why are you thinking the same way about your body??
Why would I think that just because I'm in this perfectly toned and fit body that everything else about my life would magically improve?
Why have I been so obsessed with that all along?
I know deep down that my happiness does't come from the car I drive or the amount of money that I make...but why do I keep thinking my happiness might come from what my body looks like?
Maybe it's because it has.
I have found my happiness and worth in that for so long.
And I can't help but wonder how many women are out there right now are thinking the same thing.
And it's devastating.
It's insane how much precious time we WASTE thinking these things.
Truly, I tell you, nothing is better in this world than having friends that truly love you.
That truly care.
And that help remind you that you are SO much more than just a body.
You can have the newest iPhone, the nicest body or a house in Beverly Hills, but shoot, if you don't have people in your life that actually love you for you?
WHAT'S THE FREAKING POINT!??!
So, I must ask...
WHAT IF I ACTUALLY LIVED MY LIFE AS IF I DIDN'T HAVE THESE DOUBTS ABOUT MYSELF?
What if I just let go them go?
And what if I just said thank you to my amazing body for keeping me alive and breathing all of these years?
What if I just stopped criticizing it for like one hour?
Or one day?
Or one week?
How much MORE could I focus on?
How much MORE could I love people?
How much MORE would I enjoy my life?
And how much more would I be able to grab hold of the life and the freedom that God might actually have for me?
WE NEED TO KNOW THAT OUR BEAUTY IS NOT JUST IN THE EXTERNAL.
WE NEED TO KNOW THAT OUR MINDS WERE MADE FOR SO MUCH MORE THAN HATING OUR BODIES.
WE NEED TO KNOW THAT WE ARE LOVED TODAY AND EVERYDAY THE SAME, REGARDLESS OF HOW THE JEANS FIT.
After all, it's never really been about our bodies.
E
Written February 11, 2020: I want to remember this day. Crying on a walk realizing that freedom is so close. It's at my fingertips.
Edited on February 12, 2020: Ezekiel Nair's 1st birthday and celebrating with people that I love!
Edited again on February 13, 2020: A day where I felt the shame and feelings of unworthiness. A day I was really hard on myself. A day that I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. A day I realized I must let go of everything. A day that I had to remember the promises, "I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Posted on February 14, 2020: The day I realized I need to finally stop being my own worst enemy.
Happy Valentine's Day! <3
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