**WARNING: VULNERABLE POST**
How did you beat your eating disorder, Elsa?
I don’t know if I have, to be honest.
Some days, I don’t feel like I have at all.
Let me set the scene for you:
Yesterday...I was having a perfectly good day, the weather was amazing, I went to spin class in the morning, enjoyed a nice lunch with my aunt, spent time with a friend and her little baby down near San Diego….and then it happened. I overate again. I binged. UGH. Will I ever be healed?
But here’s the thing: I AM HEALED.
And just because you’re healed, doesn’t mean you won’t mess up again. It’s like getting saved, that doesn't mean you'll never sin again. So why are we so hard on ourselves when we slip up?
Just because you’re healed doesn’t mean you won’t do the thing you hate again.
And that’s just the hard reality of being human.
I know I have to write this post, even though I don’t really want to. Even though it makes my skin crawl to think that the thing I'm most ashamed of is about to be posted on the world wide web. But that's how I know I need to do it.
And that's just it: Doing the thing you know you need to do, even when you don’t want to.
That’s how you know you’re healing.
So here it goes:
I am showing up.
Even when I don’t feel like it.
Even when I woke up this morning, so angry at myself that I slipped up again, even after praying for freedom at church, I did the thing I hated, again.
I am showing up even when I wanted to stay in bed after my alarm went off this morning and not get up to do the things I committed to do.
Even when I felt fat, gross, ashamed and didn’t want people to see me.
Even when I wanted to go back to old coping mechanisms and cancel my dinner plans tonight because of the shame I felt.
Even when I wanted to skip meals to overcompensate today.
Even when I had to fight to food shop and make myself lunch today.
Even when the voices in my head told me I’ll never get over this....
I AM GOING TO SHOW UP ANYWAY.
And I think that’s just it. That’s the golden ticket.
Are you doing this too?
Are you showing up and doing the things that are hard, even when it’s taking everything in you to not run back to your old ways?
I think this is the only way we actually heal-we deal.
“Deal with your issues or they will deal with you.”
That is how you overcome it.
That is how you heal.
Every time you do something that your mind tells you that “you can’t,” you grow a little bit more. You get a little bit more resilient. And you quiet those voices in your head saying that you aren’t enough.
You show up.
Like this morning, when I squatted 190 pounds for the first time. Five sets of three. That's 15 reps at 190 pounds. It was awesome. And you know what was even more awesome than that? I wasn’t thinking about what my butt looked like in my leggings when I did it or what the guys at the gym were thinking of me. Maybe that’s why I love barbell training so much….because I DON’T think about those things when I train. I just train. I just show up. Every time.
This morning, I was showing up. I was doing the hard thing of pushing through my issues to do the things I’ve committed to do: to get stronger, to focus on my strength over my aesthetics, to not run back to old, negative patterns, and to not let my feelings overtake me.
I can handle so much more than I think I can. And you can too.
This is what healing looked like for me this morning: showing up even when I didn’t want to, even when I didn’t feel like it.
Healing came today when I said “NOPE” to the lies in my head and when I chose to not go down the comfortable and oh so familiar dead end street of old coping mechanisms.
Those coping mechanisms have never brought healing before, so why will they bring me healing now?
Why do we go back to old coping mechanisms anyway? Like...let’s just laugh at this for a moment...we actually think “this time” things will be different.
Are they ever?
We are so silly as humans sometimes.
Healing comes when you’re open, honest and vulnerable about the icky stuff in your life with the right people. How else are we supposed to get over our issues if we keep piling them up? We have to trudge through them. We have to fight through them. And we have to have people who love us, meet us where we are and help us through our mess.
So how are you going to show up? How are you going to grow in all of this and overcome your issues?
Even when you feel like you can’t, you do it anyway. You do it scared.
Even when you feel like a failure.
Even when you don’t think you’ll ever measure up.
Even when the devil is on your shoulder planting doubt and shame….saying you’re not qualified for this or that….telling you that you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re not really supposed to be doing this anyway….
How do we combat this?
We show up. And we do the hard work.
And I’ve been thinking so much about how we put our issues on pedestals. The monster gets bigger and bigger the longer we keep it in the dark. So why aren't we bringing our issues to the light? We let them have way too much power over us. Your issues DO NOT deserve any more power over you, so stop giving them power!
Darkness is just the absence of light, and when we bring our shame to light, it has less of a hold on us. Shame's grip loosens when we decide to not keep it in the dark anymore.
Let’s be okay with showing up, being seen and working through our ish.
Let’s show up even when we don’t **feel** like it. Feelings are temporary things anyway, give them enough time and they’ll go away. I promise. Just think about that one person you used to be obsessed with that you just laugh about liking now….exactly. Feelings go away.
People often ask me how I wake up so early. Well, other than wanting to avoid the wrath of my fellow lifters and Coach, I just do it.
I don’t give myself the option not to.
And then that got me thinking.
How can I be SO disciplined in this one area, always making it to the gym when I say I’ll be there, yet I can be SO bad about watching what I eat some days? I can have a binge that almost completely derails me?
Maybe you can’t relate to this, but if you’ve ever struggled with any sort of distorted eating, I KNOW you can relate to this.
(But also, just use your imagination, fill in the blank. What is that one issue that you can never seem to “heal” from?)
Stay with me for a second...how is it that I can be so committed and focused in this one area and then in another I HAVE NO CONTROL?!
It doesn’t make sense.
But it also does. It also makes perfect sense.
Because ...drum roll please…
I am not perfect and I never will be. And neither will you.
I have been fighting for so long to just prove to other people and myself that I’m good enough. That I am strong enough. That I am pretty enough. That I am smart enough. That I am accomplished enough. And no matter what, I always come up short.
And I am not as strong as I appear to be. I’m really not. And I am finally okay with admitting that. I don’t need to be strong all the time. (I’m talking about myself figuratively here, of course)
My shortcomings are what make me human. Without them I would have no faith. Without them I wouldn't be who I am, and without them, I wouldn't be posting about this knowing that someone needs to hear this.
Where are you with all of this right now?
Are you still mad at yourself for not being perfect? Did you slip up again? Are you annoyed, yet again, that you're not “over” that one issue?
Let me break it down for you…
Just show up. Deal with whatever it is. Work through it.
Even when you don't feel like it, even when you don't feel ready. Even if you slip up again and again and again.
You got bucked off the horse. So what. Get back on the horse.
Just show up.
It doesn't matter how long it will take you. Show up, day in and day out, do the work and keep trying.
Keep going.
Growth is coming. Healing is coming.
All you have to do is show up.
E
*This post is dedicated to my older sister, Laura, who paved the way for me to be vulnerable online. She shares some of her story and her own battle with mental health on her Instagram, and how she found healing through being transparent and vulnerable. I am so proud to be her sister. If you're not already following @thewildpine - what are you waiting for?!*
**And if you are wondering, I did not cancel my dinner plans, I had a wonderful time with my friend Jose at an AMAZING Mexican place, got margaritas and enchiladas and laughed all night. I got a free Spanish lesson too. I showed up. I was present. And I'm so glad I did**
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