“I may be old, but I know that smell, that’s pot,” said my new landlord. After driving 3 hours the night before with a company truck to pick up a couch I scored for free on Craigslist (I went alone and was fine, but I don’t recommend it) and being absolutely exhausted from the move, I find out that my new 2nd floor apartment really isn’t a dream come true. The woman below me smokes pot, probably into a vent in her room which comes right up into my closet and permeates all throughout my room. Awesome. I love the rancid smell of dead skunk mixed with poop aka weed. Yay adulting! The storage closet in the apartment also smells like “cat piss,” as the landlord said, and my roommate and I have come to realize that the floors are kind of slanted. Where are we, what is life and why didn’t moving into this adorable little apartment with beautiful hardwood floors and granite counter tops in the kitchen fix all my problems?! Oh yeah…because that’s not how life works!
After crying off and on for a few days about the smell of weed in my new joint, I just had to start laughing. Victoria (my roommate) keeps calling our apartment our new joint and it’s actually really comical. Of course this would happen to us! It’s actually really funny and doesn’t even seem real. I’m 23 and I swear most of my life hasn’t felt real since day 1. Things that happen to me don’t happen to normal people. Since graduating college just over a year ago, I have moved seven times (yes, you read that correctly), had 4 jobs and started and ended my first serious relationship. Talk about transition. Whew!
Thanks to Glade Plug In’s, lots of Lysol and candles, I think the smells in my new place are dissipating. It’s actually a really cute apartment. We have fireplaces and it is right by the beach. I can see a hint of the ocean from a window in my room and can smell the ocean from the back porch– definitely makes up for the other smells I’ve had to endure. Oh, did I tell you about my new mattress? Yeah, so I got this free mattress. Don’t take free mattresses, people. You all probably know this already because you don’t have a ridiculously cheap mindset about life, but I got to learn the hard way. I got this free mattress from someone I didn’t know, drove all the way to Gloucester to get it in the truck I borrowed from work and drove all the way back. Did I mention that it rained the entire weekend we moved in? Yeah, that free mattress got soaked and after schlepping it up into my room and putting fans on it, I realized I was being a cheap idiot. “Elsa, it’s okay to pay for some things. You can’t be cheap about everything! Especially not a bed! You sleep 1/3 of your life!” So after schlepping the wet mattress up to my new room and being disgusted by the smell of old mildew mattress AND marijuana, I realized I needed to go get a freaking bed. So we put the mattress on the curb and I invested in the greatest purchase of 2016: a double layer air mattress. I’ve slept better the past few nights on that thing than I have in MONTHS. Praise Him for air mattresses! I am a believer!
So, even though my weekend was a semi-nightmare, I’m really grateful for a lot of things. I’m so grateful to be living with Victoria again. She was a great friend and roommate in college and is one of the funniest people I know. I’m not worried about our year together as roommies. I know it will be great! The weekend was redeemed when we went to a Gordon alumni happy hour Saturday night and I got to see lots of great friends from college. Also, earlier in the day when I was seriously considering flinging myself out the 2nd floor window, our friend Kate surprised us with pizza and hard cider. Kate is the same boss chick that helped me schlep my moldy mattress up to my room and back out to the curb. She’s the best. So even though most of the weekend sucked and moving just sucks, we still can laugh about it and it made me how grateful I am for certain people. My sweet little sis Serena helped me load up the truck and move nearly all day. Shout out to her for making it such a better day. Also going to get the mattress in this random persons back shed with Serena was one of the highlights of the weekend. We were both laughing so hard and almost dropped the mattress into a puddle on the street!
So yeah, what is my life? I have about an hour commute to and from work now. That’s totally new to me. And I have spent nearly every hour of my commute to and from work this week just crying. Crying over the transition I’ve been going through, crying over my breakup, crying over moving and starting a new job, crying over adulting, crying over paying bills and freaking out about how I will afford anything, crying over loneliness, crying over unmet expectations, crying over not feeling at home….and the list goes on. And you know what? Every single one of those tears has a valid reason to stream down my face. Every single one. Transition is hard. Life does suck sometimes. And moving so much in a year like I have really really sucks. And then when you finally get all your stuff into one place and it’s not what you expected and you don’t feel at home and you’re sleeping on an air mattress in a room that smells like pot that you have already paid $2,000 for….yeah, every single one of those tears is valid!
Something I really miss about having a boyfriend is feeling at home. When you’re dating someone and they are there for you, you do feel at home. You feel known and you are loved and you are not alone. But, even when you have that, you’re really not home home. Because only Jesus can be your home. Only Jesus can give me the strength to be able to laugh about my life and know that He is holding me in the palm of His hands. Moving to Greensboro, moving home to Jersey and then moving back up to Boston and starting my new job right away has been a lot. I’m exhausted. I can’t even remember the last time I felt settled. But through all of this transition and crying and loneliness, I have realized more than ever that my home is in Jesus. He totally gets what I’m going through and He is there for me. Every second of every day, He is there for me. And He has given me an incredibly supportive and loving family to be by my side (shout out to my Aunt Shelley for mailing me a crockpot!) and friends that are just a phone call away.
Are you feeling alone and not at home? Throw yourself into the arms of Jesus. I promise it is better than the most beautiful apartment in the entire world. We were never meant for this world–that’s probably why I feel so not at home here all the time. Our life here is always going to be in transition. We are never going to feel 100% settled. There will always be things left on the to-do list and things that need to be fixed. And the more I can realize that at 23 years of age, I think the better my life will be. I was laughing to myself this week at work when I went on a short walk during a coffee break that I know all of this hardship is just going to make me a better woman, a better wife and mom too.
Our home is in Jesus, friends. He is the only one that will settle our anxious little hearts.
Bye for now!
xoxo
E
Disclaimer: Please don’t be worried about me not having a closet. I’m actually using the closet in the family room which is actually huge, it’s awesome. And it doesn’t’ smell at all! And I just have to laugh because at the last apartment I lived in, my closet was in the hallway, and when I moved out I said all I wanted was a closet in my own room. Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it. And it might not be what you wished for!
The view from the beach by my apartment > The smell of my stupid closet
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