As annoying as the Elsa jokes can be, there's no coincidence that the catchy song that's swept the nation is actually the theme song of my life:
"Let it go, let it go"
We crave change, yet when it comes down to actually making the change, we get scared.
Why?
We don't want to let go.
Change might take all of us.
Change requires relinquishing control.
And when you get to the other side, you might not even recognize the person you have become.
Just like monkey bars, you can’t get to the other side without letting go.
And I am seeing this so much in my life right now.
I've realized that strength training is healing me. It's pushing me and challenging me, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. It's forcing me to let go.
And it's also doing a really good job of burning off all of my insecurities.
And you know what?
I know this is what is going to heal me.
Why has it taken me so long to finally get to this place?
Because it's been easier to stay stuck in my security blanket. I guess I have forgotten that snuggling with crappy, ex-boyfriend Ed isn't that great after all.
You ever wake up in the morning and your pillow is cold and the rest of your body is tucked into your bed, all warm and snuggly? The best feeling in the world, right? You don't want to get up! You don't want to make a change! You want to stay in bed all day!
Why?
Because it's way more comfortable to stay stuck than it is to make a change.
And the same rings true with our lives.
A friend of mine shared with me recently how much she dislikes being pregnant. Of course she and her husband are thrilled to be having a baby, but the pregnancy part? Not so much.
This got me thinking- pregnancy must be similar to recovery.
Growing a baby requires all of you.
You have to completely give yourself over to it and give up your body.
The baby's going to do with the baby wants to do.
You might have morning sickness or feel like crap for your entire pregnancy, and your body is going to grow and change, no matter how much you try to control or manipulate it.
I know a lot of women love being pregnant, but I've noticed a majority of my friends have really struggled with their pregnancies. And with what their bodies look like postpartum. And I don’t blame them.
I’m scared to death of being pregnant someday and how much it’ll change my body.
And how much I might hate my body after having the baby.
When you are pregnant, you have to completely give yourself over to it.
You have to let go.
The same is true with recovery.
It feels much safer to continue with the things you've been doing food wise or workout wise and to stay wrapped up in the warm, security blanket of your issues, right?
But that's the point of recovery: finally letting go.
I don’t even like saying it, but I am in recovery. And I know many of you reading this are too.
I'm in recovery from years of chronic dieting, over-exercising, binge eating, self sabotaging behaviors and horrible self talk.
And it's scary being in recovery because you have to release the control you want to have.
And you have to let go of what your body is going to LOOK LIKE too.
And that is honestly the hardest work of all.
Many of you might not relate this, and that's okay. Maybe I'm not writing to you today.
I'm writing to the girl who woke up nervous and worried about when she will get her workout in. The girl who's restricting what she's eating today because she wants to feel good for the holiday party coming up. The girl who doesn't want to go to dinner with her best friend because she binged last night.
This healing thing is going to take all of you.
So what's the next monkey bar you need to let go of?
It might mean fighting through the feelings of wanting to buy only "clean and diet" foods when you're at the grocery store. (Well, I got the Greek Yogurt with honey at Trader Joe's because it's way better than the plain one. And I got a giant loaf of sourdough bread this week. So ha!)
It might mean fighting through the insecurities you have about of your body, worrying about what you look like and what people might think of you. (Well, I took my shirt off and finished a spin class in just my sports bra and leggings the other day. And it was empowering! So ha!)
It might mean making yourself a meal even though you binged last night or having bread or carbs at more than one meal today. (Well, I'm about to make Christmas cookies and I had toast for breakfast. So ha!)
It might mean not restricting what you're eating all day because of that event you have coming up. (Well, I didn't diet today even though I'm going to a concert tomorrow night. So ha!)
And it will mean accepting your body for the size it is and not for what it could be - accepting it for what it is right now. (Well, it enables me to live, breathe and love the people around me. And give really good hugs. So ha!!!)
Sure recovery is hard and scary, and it might change every aspect of your life, but you know what would be worse?
Waking up a year from now (or five years from now), with the same fears, worries and anxieties and still hating your body.
Recovery will take all of you.
Looking back at 2019, I can see some of the progress I've made.
It has been astounding, honestly.
I am doing the hard work of recovery. And it isn't pretty or easy, but it is so worth it.
Skin. In. The. Game.
I am finally getting the head space back.
I am finally learning to live in freedom.
And I am finally spending less time overthinking the purchase of Greek yogurt at the grocery store! Thank God!!!
Sure ripping the security blanket off is scary, and you'll feel so exposed, but it's amazing what happens when you fight through those feelings.
You will start to do things you never thought you could do.
We might have to give up our entire old way of life, ways of thinking and what our bodies will look like in recovery, but we will gain so much more.
Letting go will be the hardest part.
You know, it's funny because I'm not even that good at the monkey bars! But this recovery stuff isn't going to happen by itself. It's time to grab hold of the next bar and let go of even more. It's the only way I will heal. And it's the only way you will heal. Are you with me?
E
P. S. I just thought of this...maybe I just need some more chalk on my hands to get me across the monkey bars ;)
P. P. S. Ed SUCKS at the monkey bars.
P. P. P. S. On the topic of chalk and bars, let me tell you about my barbell gym. I started going to The Strength Co. over the summer and I LOVE IT. Lifting (strength training) is the the hardest and most empowering thing I've started in 2019 and I can't wait to see where it will take me. I also just became an intern there, so you should definitely come see what it's all about. We have 2 locations - Costa Mesa and Villa Park, California. Find us on Instagram or check out our website, and book your Intro to Barbell class today! You might even get lucky and I might be shadowing your class. https://www.thestrength.co/
More posts to come about my weight lifting journey....stay tuned.
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