Hello my dearest one,
Well, here you have it. I hope this will cause you to realize your true worth is a person.
Forever remember me as loving you.
U.
My Uncle sent me this note when I was in college. I found it recently tucked away in my Bible. It meant a lot to me at the time when I received this little love note, but finding it again made it even more special. Why? Because so much has changed since I received it.
It's really hard to learn how to eat intuitively when you have been on a diet for half of your life. And the scary thing? Most of the time I didn't even think I was "on a diet." My mindset was so messed up. I didn't realize how much I was truly missing out on until I started doing the hard work of rewiring my brain and the way I thought about myself.
Our thought life is a battlefield. Do you have your armor on?
Who is my audience today? Who am I writing to?
The person who has food rules, workout rules and body rules.
The person who got nervous today when their friend asked if they had dinner plans.
The person who is trying to think of a way to get out of something they were invited to because they’re ashamed of their body.
The person who is constantly trying to shrink themselves.
The person who missed out on an amazing opportunity or memory because they were too insecure (or maybe even right now, as you debate going to the gym over hanging out with your friends).
And to the person who has overthought purchasing a piece of pumpkin bread at a coffee shop. That’s who I am trying to reach.
To the girl who broke her food rule and bought the pumpkin bread with the cream cheese frosting today? I am SO proud of you. I was that girl today. I broke my own rule. And you know what? IT WAS GREAT.
The only way we will EVER overcome our issues is to deal with them head on. This means we must do the opposite of our normal personality pattern. We must do the things we think we cannot. We must do the things that scare us.
I have an amazing life. I really do. I don’t say this to gloat, but I am really blessed. I was born into an incredible family that supports me and I have true friends that love me that I can laugh my butt off with (the true sign of friendship, in my opinion). But, sometimes, I scroll through my Instagram, looking back at all the fun memories and trips, and I see photos of myself through my teen years and early twenties, and even recently, and it makes me a little sad to be honest. I think about all of the things that I missed out on. How much I missed because I was caught up in my own mind. I was worrying about stuff I didn’t need to be worrying about. I had so many insecurities that held me back, was constantly obsessed with when I could get a workout in, and although my smile was genuine, my internal negative dialogue was endless.
There was a battle going on every day in my mind and thought life. The enemy was feeding me lies every moment of every day, convincing me that if I was smaller, every aspect of my life would be better.
And I think my healing has begun as my obsession with getting smaller is not at the forefront anymore.
I have stopped consciously trying to make myself smaller every single day, and believing the lie that my life would be better if I was. Is it scary? I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. Heck, I almost quit strength training when I started because I was so afraid of gaining weight. I had changed my trustworthy and controllable exercise regime, and I was so afraid of change. But in this mindset shift, someone said something to me that I will never forget.
Put on the full armor.
I have lived a lot of my life unarmed. Does a soldier go into battle without protection? Does a fighter go into the ring without a mouth guard? Would I go skiing without snow pants, an insulated jacket, helmet, goggles and gloves? No. (Unless I was going pond skimming ...which is a totally different story and still on my bucket list) But really, why would I live every day unarmed in my mind? The enemy is hard at work in our thought life.
His goal is to ruin our lives.
So why am I not guarding myself and putting on the armor that I know will protect me?
True confidence comes when you accept yourself for who you actually are and when you finally come to grips with the fact that you shouldn't believe everything you think.
We lie to ourselves all day long.
Here’s the thing: When will you actually be okay with yourself? When will you finally stop worrying about your body, apologizing for your body and believing so many lies about yourself? When will you stop feeling shame about your body? Because I can say from experience, 20 pounds up or 20 pounds down, I still felt the same shame. I still felt like it was never enough.
Healing came for me today when I ordered the freaking pumpkin bread.
To the person who might not understand why this was an accomplishment and actually knows how to eat intuitively, congratulations. You’re blessed. You will never understand this struggle of debating a purchase so trivial. But to the person who gets it, I know you’re laughing right now. You get it. You too have overthought whether you should buy a bakery item, I'm sure. I know you get it.
You want to know what happened after I ordered the pumpkin bread? I ate it intuitively. And I ended up only eating only half of it. The cream cheese frosting was actually a bit much too. But I enjoyed every bite I had.
And another huge thing? I ordered it AND ate it before I knew what my dinner plans would be. Elsa a few years ago would have NEVER done that.
You see, that’s what happens when you start to eat intuitively. You stop labeling food as good or bad. You stop worrying about what you’re having for dinner and if you should restrict at lunch or not. You trust yourself to order the pumpkin bread just because you want it! You get out of your restrictive mindset. You do the things that scare you. You stop worrying about what people will think of you and who’s watching you eat it too.
You order the freaking pumpkin bread.
Sister, I am right there with you in this. I am still doing the hard work and pushing past my food rules. The old ways never got me anywhere, so clearly I need to do something new. And it’s usually really scary. I know it may sound insignificant, especially as I talk about ordering a slice of FREAKING PUMPKIN BREAD, but I know my girl reading this who is in this struggle with me gets it. And maybe you’re having this internal battle right now with something too.
We are crazy, right? We have a bad body day and our dialogue goes something like this:
“That’s it! I’m cutting out carbs! No dairy! Dairy free will solve my problems! I'm sure of it. I’m getting on the elliptical for 2 hours!!!! I'm going gluten free! Two workouts for me today! No bread! No sugar! Pasta! NEVER!!! Cancelling all plans that include food FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE."
And we have these stupid rules, right?
Maybe that will be my next post….food rules. For the love of GOD can we stop having food rules?
Here's one I used to live by,
"No bread basket before dinner."
And then after dinner you go home and eat half a loaf of bread….like, why didn’t I just eat the bread at the table? Like a normal person? Plus, that warm, freshly baked bread at the restaurant was probably way better than the stale bread you had at home.
Tell me I’m wrong.
That’s why it’s called a disorder.
Eat the pumpkin bread. Order the latte. Have a slice of bread at the table before dinner. And enjoy it!
Because if you don’t, you might just keep restricting yourself and practicing your food rules until something triggers you. Then you’ll be standing in your kitchen at 10:00 PM shoving spoonful after spoonful of peanut butter into your mouth after finishing off an entire box of granola bars. Or is that just me?
You name it. Whatever your binges might look like...none are the same. Sometimes they happen because you actually need the food and your body is craving more calories…. and sometimes they happen when you’ve overeaten at dinner with your friend and you get home and just keep going.
I’ve been there. I hear you. I see you. It’s the worst. And you are not alone.
How do I know I’m healing?
I ordered the latte and I enjoyed every sip of it. I ordered the pumpkin bread and had a few bites of it and enjoyed the heck out of it.
That’s how I know I’m healing. It’s still scary. I was still looking around at who was judging me while I ate the pumpkin bread. But I did it anyway.
In all of this, I’m not saying that I’ve found the answer. I’m not 100% fine all the time. And I'm not saying that ordering pumpkin bread at a coffee shop has solved all of my problems. I still binge. I still slip up. I still get caught up in the mindset of over exercising. I still sometimes get nervous when a friend invites me over (especially if I’m not sure what we will be eating). I still got nervous recently when my friend invited me over to make Christmas cookies. And I still get nervous to see people I haven't seen in a while and wonder what they will think about my body.
I still get nervous.
I still have that mindset.
But I am pushing through it.
I am not letting that hold me back anymore. I am not going to miss out on my life and experiences and rich friendships because of my thought life. And I am definitely not going to miss out on Friendsgiving or a Christmas cookie bake-a-thon this holiday season because I’m ashamed of my body.
What are we desperately searching for in all of this anyway? I think we just want to be accepted, right? We desperately want to be loved for who we are.
But more than that, I know for me, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to stop thinking about my body.
I want to do good in this world, leave people better than I found them and not be so bogged down with worrying about all of my imperfections.
And maybe that's what you want too.
A few years ago, when I really first started opening up about my issues, I remember telling my uncle about my insecurities. It was really awkward.
For some reason, as a female, it’s hard to share insecurities about your own body with a man. But I did. I pushed past the fear.
My Uncle Roger is one of the most loving and accepting people I’ve ever known. He is also one of the most resilient. If you ever get the chance to meet him, you’ll be blessed. He's got some amazing (and pretty unreal) stories. He’s so funny, quirky and silly. And absurd. Mostly absurd. Maybe that’s where I get it from. Anyway, when I opened up to my Uncle Rog, I shared with him what was really going on in my mind about myself.
He just listened. He reminded me that I was beautiful and will always be beautiful. But more than that, he reminded me that I am not just the sum of my parts.
A few weeks later, I checked my mailbox. He sent me this magazine clipping in the mail with this note. I cried when I read it. I bawled actually.
I think the beauty of a woman is not just her parts- her hair, the way she's standing, what she's wearing- it's the whole person.
What my Uncle didn't know?
I have spent years hating my thick, frizzy curly hair.
I've always been insecure about the way I stand because I'm knock kneed.
I have always worried about clothes, how they fit and what my style is. I've always worried if I look good enough or not.
But you know why this magazine clipping made me cry? (other than the funny story behind it and how my Unc stole it from a magazine in the waiting room at the doctor's office). Because I realized that people don’t see me the way I see myself.
I pick apart every little detail.
I am so mean to myself.
I don't put on the armor in my thought life.
I think I’m less worthy of love if I'm having a bad hair day or I have zits on my face. I’m worried about my outfit or my skin or feeling bloated or ugly….and I don’t see the whole person. When you love someone, you see the whole person, right?
So this is where I’ll end this one. With the words from my Uncle,
I hope this will cause you to realize your true worth is a person.
What do you need to do today to see your true worth? What insecurities are holding you back that you might need to let go of? Do you need to go get a piece of pumpkin bread too?
Your true worth is a person.
Not just a sum of the parts.
E
P. S. Please go to The Lost Bean Organic Coffee & Tea and get the pumpkin bread. 3335 Susan St. Costa Mesa, CA 92626. You won’t regret it.
P. P. S. I am not that insecure about a lot of those things anymore, I promise. I know people would kill to have the volume I have in my hair. How does that saying go anyway? Higher the hair, closer to God?!
P. P. P. S. Put on the full armor today. Ephesians 6: 10-18.
Written November 6, 2019
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