I should be over this by now.

I haven’t wanted to share on here about this lately because if I’m being totally honest, it sort of feels like it’s never going to go away.

And it’s embarrassing.

Here I am, preaching about Jesus, body love, acceptance & just loving ourselves for who God has made us to be…trying to convince everyone around me of this truth…yet, I if I am being honest with you, I still still struggle with believing this truth myself.

I should on myself a lot.

"I should be over this."

"I shouldn’t have these thoughts."

"I should be healed by now."

But that’s not how Ed recovery (or just life in general) works — and the only way to see how far I have come is by looking back. Looking back at the freedom. Looking back and realizing I don’t let so much stuff stop me from living my life anymore.

A few days ago marked five years in California. FIVE YEARS!! What the heck.

I celebrated with a friend getting garlic knots, a slice of pizza and wings for dinner.

Would I have done that five years ago?

Absolutely not.

And maybe not even a few years ago.

I was so scared of food. I was so scared of how it would change my body. I was so worried about getting my workouts in. Looking perfect. (Is that even possible?)

How my clothes fit. And life is just so much more than that!!

Of course, it’s about honoring God with our bodies & being healthy — and for me that means getting up at 5am to do workouts like a crazy person, however, the mindset has been slowly shifting as my years in CA have gone by.

Maybe it will just keep taking time. Maybe I won't ever fully "get over it."

I just want someone to know that they are not alone.

And I want to encourage someone out there if you’re struggling.

It gets better.

It takes time — but wow, it gets better.

Sometimes I get paralyzed and think I can’t write or post about things or how I’m struggling because I’m supposed to be the one that encourages everyone else.

I feel like I am the one that always reminds everyone that they’ll get through this and they’ll heal.

And we absolutely will.

But! It is not going to look anything like we think it well. It will take a lot of time and a lot of hard work —and you’ll have the days where you just don't believe it.

You can’t believe the freedom that is out there.

But those amazing days filled with freedom, don’t come at no cost.

You may still have the days you have to fight through it.

You might still going to have the days you overthink everything you do and everything you eat and what you look like and how your clothes fit and if the people in your life still love you because you’re absolutely gigantic.

But that is just not the case.

But I have to tell you this — just keep going.

I really wish I was further along than I am right now, but all I can do is praise God because I am so much further along than I realize.

And I bet you are too.

Go easy on yourself, friend. You’re healing so much more than you realize. And if you need help or need healing, please please find the help you need!! My therapist has straight up changed my LIFE and opening up to friends more has truly been everything to me.

It’s so hard and I hate being vulnerable, so I get it. It’s so hard.

I talk a lot, but I don’t really share how I’m actually doing a lot — and maybe you're like that too. But I promise you, it’s worth it.

It’s just so sad that we can spend our entire lives judging ourselves and judging everyone else around us.

We waste so much time being critical of ourselves and others.

What really matters?

Because I know our external bodies do not.

I can promise you no one cares about you as much as you do.

No one really notices the changes if you’re up or down in weight, or if you’re more toned or what you're wearing.

At least I have learned that from experience.

The people in my life you love me really don’t care. So you shouldn't either.

Eat the pizza, order the garlic knots, work out like you’re training for war— and learn how to rest! It's all about learning to live a life of balance!! And that doesn't happen overnight.

Oh, and please let yourself fall in love.

But most of all, let yourself fall in love with yourself. Maybe that’s cheesy and as a Christian, it’s whack theology. (Because we already love ourselves way too much haha)

But I don’t think we really grasp Jesus’ love for us.

We don’t really grasp his boundless grace.

The fact that he knows everything about us, and he adores us.

Simple as that. It's nothing that we do.

So why can’t we feel some pride in who he has made us to be? I’m not talking about in the cocky way. I’m not talking about lording it over other people that you’re better than them.

I’m taking about just being YOU.

Being the incredible, beautiful person God has made you to be. No one else can do that job but you. So stop looking around, stop, comparing, stop criticizing.

Heck, I feel like this is a letter to myself, if anything.

Keep tight on that path of healing.

It’s not a destination.

You are probably so much further along than you think.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You are enough!

And even if you don’t believe you are, sometimes I can’t believe everything we think.

Written September 2023