I had this thought at church yesterday as I wiggled my dress and tried to adjust my strapless bra without anyone noticing - how many other women here are feeling insecure?
And I mean like...debilitatingly insecure?
How many other women here are thinking about their fat legs sticking together as they stand singing right now?
How many other women are uncomfortable in their own skin right now?
How many other women are beating themselves up for what they ate last night right now?
HOW MANY WOMEN ARE MORE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR BODIES THAN ACTUALLY FOCUSING ON THE WORSHIP MUSIC RIGHT NOW?
And then it hit me …me.
I am that woman.
And I have been for years.
I used to AGONIZE over what to wear to church.
I always felt fat. Never good enough. Never pretty enough.
Since when did church become my time to worry about my body? Isn't that the time I should worry the LEAST?!
But it wasn't just church.
It was everywhere.
Every day.
Nearly every moment.
And it still is sometimes. I have let go and been freed of so much...but I still have those thoughts....a lot of days...and especially at church...
And I know I'm not the only one that has felt this way.
(Side note: As I write this, my apartment complex is being power washed. Who knew those things could be so loud!!? Glad I don't have to be on a Zoom call right now for work. But how perfect … isn't that what our body image thoughts do to us all day long? They make us lose our focus. They scream at us that we aren't enough. They're so loud that it makes it impossible to focus on anything else. What a perfect analogy, huh?)
One way my boyfriend describes our thought lives is this:
Our thoughts are like a buffet. We don't get to choose what is served at the buffet, but we do get pick what we put on our plates.
Isn't that the same with our thought lives?
Those thoughts will be there.
And what I've learned (and continue to learn) in recovery....they might always be there.
But we don't have to believe them.
We can just let the thoughts be thoughts.
And we don't have to eat all that crap from the buffet that we don't want to.
So back to church....
I couldn't help but think about all of the women at the outdoor service who were worrying about some aspect of their body. I know I sure was. And I was just thinking about all of the years prior I sat in church, or anywhere else for that matter, incredibly insecure about my body, and nobody even knew it.
Holding back the tears, I sang worship songs about freedom and being loved by God. My boyfriend had even told me that morning how beautiful I looked. Somewhere deep down I knew he wasn't lying to me- but would you just let me have an ugly day! Gosh!
But that's what eating disorders do.
They put a lot of dishes on the buffet that are full of lies.
I was so NOT okay that morning going to church, so much so that I missed the turn because I was screaming in my car. I was praying for Jesus, praying for relief and praying that I'd stop listening to the lies! That's how bad my body image issues were that morning.
AND I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS MORNINGS LIKE THIS.
That's why I write . Because I know you do it too- especially if you've gotten this far into this Blog post.
Maybe you're like me...you've stood in church being insecure, trying to worship it away.
And maybe it's helped.
And maybe it hasn't.
Maybe you went home after church on Sunday to plan out your next week of meals and workouts. I know the drill. I lived it for way too many years.
Ladies, we are whole, we are enough and we are loved and created by the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. He has made us in HIS image- and we are precious in his sight! Ever wonder why you struggle so much with perfectionism? I know why I do...because I was made in the image of God! And He is PERFECT! So no wonder I get pissed when my favorite shirt gets stained or my pants rip or things don't go according to plan.
I want things to be perfect because I was made in the image of God who is PERFECT!
So getting back church. Feeling ugly. Insecurity about our bodies.
When will it end?
All I know is this- that image I have in my head of what I think my "perfect body" is? It ain't real. And it probably will never happen. Why? Because God has WAY bigger things for me than my body just looking a certain way.
And more than having a perfectly toned body....it comes down to this question:
When will I finally just accept myself?
Because really, that's what it all comes down to.
When will I believe the truth?
How many more workouts and diets and horrible self talk days will it take?
If I've spent all this time criticizing and nit picking myself, and it hasn't worked - why not try the opposite and see if that works?!
Thoughts are just thoughts. Sometimes you can't help it. But it doesn't mean you need to act on it and take a serving of everything from that buffet.
What if we took all that energy we wasted on speaking down to ourselves and did something positive with it?
What if we actually thanked God for having a healthy body, with legs that move and a body that can lift heavy things, instead of nit picking the 1 inch section of your butt with cellulite?
If I ever open a gym, I'm going to name it CELLU-LIT, because really, what did cellulite ever do to us?!
I'm rambling now...but I'll end with this. Jesus didn't die on a cross to save us from hell so that we would be INSECURE ABOUT OUR BODIES OUR ENTIRE LIVES! Let the thoughts be thoughts.
Let them stumble into your mind, say hi to them, and then kindly ask them to leave in Jesus' name.
I don't know about you but 99% of my problems come from my thoughts and my mind.
It's no wonder God tells us so often in Scripture to guard our hearts and MINDS!
So what do you need to let go of today? What do you need to release into God's hands? He loves you. He's for you. And HE proclaims your beauty! So what will it take for you to finally believe it??
Maybe I'll be a public speaker about this someday- who knows.
It's time to get free, ladies. We already have our salvation! So why are we being bogged down by all of this other crap??? You are not any more worthy if you have a perfectly toned body! Or whatever it is that you're holding on to that you think will make you feel like you've finally made it.
Let's power wash those thoughts away.
Xx
E
** If you need prayer or want to talk about issues you're dealing with more, I'd love to hear from you! Shoot me a message!**
**HAHAHAH. Turns out it wasn't even a power washer. It was a jackhammer & an electric saw outside my complex! Even better!**
Written: October 5, 2020
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