People can tell you all day long that you're beautiful, but until you actually believe it for yourself, you'll never believe them.
How do you know you’re recovering? What does that actually mean?
It might mean waking up in the morning feeling totally gross, but reminding yourself you're beautiful and going on with your day.
It might mean being fearful you're getting fat and justifying being fat because you are now eating the foods you've labeled as "bad." But do it anyway. You're not letting the constant thoughts consume you anymore. You tell those lies to get a life.
It might mean eating the piece of bread ANYWAY even though your mind tells you it's "bad for you" and you had bread at your last meal. Whoever said carbs are from the devil needs to get a life too.
It might mean still occasionally squeezing the your stomach and getting mad at yourself for the extra weight you put on, while also telling yourself to get over it. And not pulling your shirt up to check. It might mean just getting dressed and leaving the house and not giving into dieting at your next meal.
It might mean wanting cookies, so you make a batch, and then eating half of them for dinner. And then waking up the next morning and eating toast for breakfast slathered in peanut butter because you WANTED IT, even though your mind is telling you to cut out carbs for the next week because of all those cookies.
And it might mean buying TWO boxes of those dark chocolate covered bananas from Trader Joe's because you're craving them....and then smiling when you see one of the boxes A FEW WEEKS LATER still in your freezer UNOPENED. You didn't eat them all in one sitting. You're finally not restricting everything you're eating. You can actually have chocolate in the house and not eat it all in one night. You actually are way less obsessed with food now.
This has been my healing at least, maybe you can relate, maybe you can't.
But this is my Blog, so I'll write about what I want to write about.
But really.
I am so passionate about this.
I’ve known for so long that this is what I needed to do.
I need to encourage YOU!
Yes, you!!
The girl reading this who's holding in her stomach or just saw a photo of herself she hated. The girl who is counting out how many days she needs to eat low carb so she can feel good about herself by next week. The girl who is trying to figure out how to get another workout in because she ate too much last night and is worried because she feels huge and promised her friends she'd go out with them tonight.
We know the drill. We know the cycle.
We know how to restrict and go to the gym for 5 days in a row and feel amazing by the weekend. We know how to avoid social situations with food.
But then we relapse. It happens again. One bad meal turns into a bad day which turns into a bad week and before you know it you’re up 5 pounds.
Been there.
I’m actually there right now.
I don't write this post to you today feeling amazing in my own skin.
Remember, I'm the girl you can relate to.
I'm the girl that's there too.
And it's the literal worst, right?
Hating your body is the worst.
And I think sometimes healing hurts before it heals you.
Healing means NOT dieting after a night of bingeing.
Healing means NOT giving into your old patterns, even though you desperately want to.
And you know what else it might mean?
Crying. A lot.
Mourning the fact that your body is changing and that it’s a hell of a lot of work getting comfortable in your own skin.
I used to live in agony of seeing pictures of myself.
I used to be uncomfortable every single day in my clothes, wearing pants that were too tight on purpose just so I’d be reminded to not eat too much.
I have literally spent my LIFE trying to be smaller and thinking that if my body was perfect and I was beautiful that I would be more loved.
That I would be more accepted.
And people would like me more.
And I am learning that that could not be further from the truth.
I have been the barrier in my healing all along.
And deep down, it's had nothing to do with the food or chocolate covered bananas in my freezer.
Or the exercise.
Or how “toned” my body was.
I kept thinking it did, but it didn't.
It’s had to do with the fact that I really believed my worth was in what I looked like.
And I still do sometimes.
Because that's what people comment on right? They exclaim how GREAT YOU LOOK when you've lost weight & are more toned.
I AM SO DONE WITH BELIEVING THE LIES.
I know my worth, I know my beauty, and I know that I am still beautiful if the scale has gone up or down.
And like right now, as I sit here typing this out feeling my stomach roll over my pants- I KNOW THAT MY WORTH HAS NOT CHANGED IN THE SLIGHTEST.
If I can’t accept myself now, exactly the way I am, I never will!
And I don’t want to waste any more time hating my body.
I’ve got a life to live and people to love!
And this why I’m writing this.
I don’t want you to either.
Time is fleeting.
Life is precious.
And this needs to be preached from the rooftops.
OUR WORTH DOES NOT CHANGE IF WE GAINED WEIGHT.
OUR WORTH DOES NOT INCREASE IF WE LOSE WEIGHT AND ARE "MORE TONED."
OUR WORTH DOES NOT CHANGE IF WE ARE HAVING A FAT DAY OR A FAT WEEK OR A FAT MONTH AND OUR FACES ARE BREAKING OUT.
Y’all!
I don’t even know how to express this.
We need to stop finding our worth in what this world is telling us is important!!
IT IS NOT IN WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
It’s in your heart. It’s in how you love others. It is in how you love yourself.
Your worth is in the person you ARE.
And it’s so funny to me that I am learning all of this and experiencing healing in California. Orange County, California, I might add. This is like the superficial, be obsessed with what you look like capital of the world!
Yet here I am.
Un-learning an eating disorder and how to become less obsessed with exercise and my looks and yada yada yada.
IT IS WILD!
Life is so wild.
God is so wild.
And He's been trying to get me to see my worth in Him all along.
Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with wanting to look nice, wear certain clothes or taking time to do your hair. Nothing wrong with going to the gym. Nothing wrong with eating healthy foods. Nothing wrong with eating a cookie! What I'm talking about here is the obsession and believing that your worth is dependent on your size.
Do you think you will be loved less if you’ve gained weight?
Do you feel shame if you "don't look enough?”
What is the standard you’re trying to live up to?
Mine's been whack for way too long.
Yours too?? Welcome to the club, sister.
It's exhausting, isn't it??
I think all I’m trying to get at here is that as a society, we have it all wrong.
We praise people for weight loss and for being toned like it's the greatest thing a human being can do.
Give yourself the same grace you give to others. Give yourself time.
Healing….just takes time.
It has mountains and valleys.
Just let it be what it is. There will be happy. There will be crappy.
Take it for what it is and MOVE ON!
You will have amazingly free days and then days where you feel like you're chained up in your Ed Prison Cell.
It will get better. I promise.
I just want you to not feel less than just because your clothes feel a little tighter today and you didn’t get a workout in.
I just want you to think about it a little less.
I JUST WANT YOU TO NOT TIE YOUR WORTH TO WHAT YOUR BODY LOOKS LIKE.
Another diet will not solve your problems and getting in another workout won’t either. Or dieting so you look good for that wedding coming up?? Anyone else try to diet before stuff and then you end up EATING WAY MORE the week leading up to the event and feel even WORSE?
SAME.
I am learning that being at peace with myself actually has NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT MY BODY LOOKS LIKE. Our weight will fluctuate, our feelings will fluctuate and our lives will fluctuate. But what doesn’t change?
What doesn’t change dear girl, is your worth. Your identity.
Whether you feel worthy or not, you are.
Whether you feel beautiful or not, you are.
Your identity doesn’t change just because you’ve gained weight or lost weight.
Your worthiness isn’t found in “how good of shape you’re in or not.”
Your value and worth has NOTHING to do with anything external about you.
Your value is found in the person you are.
Just like that sweet quote my Unc sent me back in college, your beauty is in the whole person, not just the sum of the parts or how good your triceps and skin and hair looks.
So let’s fight like hell to reclaim our lives.
I don’t want to be worrying about the way my stomach looks like for the rest of my life.
YA FEEL ME??
Let's GET OVER IT.
We are in this together.
Your worth is unchangeable. Never forget that.
And thanks to my girl Gayle (or G$ as we called her in college), this is my new Bio:
Elsa, the Jesus loving, wine drinking, occasionally cursing lifter who encourages people.
Until next time,
E
P. S. "Nobody like you" by Kaskade is a great song. Listen to it and remember that there is nobody like you.
P. S. If there is someone in your life who is telling you to lose weight or get more toned, flick them to the side. If you’re with a man who’s judging you because of your body, please dump him immediately. I was at a party watching the Fight a few weeks ago and a guy was joking about one of the women fighters having a pot belly. Like what. Hold up. A UFC FIGHTER who could take you DOWN and all you can focus on is her stomach? And a little extra fat and skin she has around her midsection? Like bro....she could seriously mess you up. I looked straight at him and told him to lift up his own shirt to show us what HIS stomach looked like. He blushed. And then he realized what he said. And then I proceeded to tell him that he's the reason why women have eating disorders. Bye.
P. P. S. If you haven't gotten these from TJ's, please go today. They're amazeeeee!
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