IF YOU HAVE EVER SECOND GUESSED PURCHASING BREAD AT THE GROCERY STORE, THIS POST IS FOR YOU.
Not judging shame and welcoming it instead is the beginning of forming a new, healthy relationship—with yourself. Then you don’t need to be critical of others or push them away. You’re more available, authentic, and courageously vulnerable. And others will love you for it....Vulnerability gets a bad rap these days. But what it actually offers you is the relief from having to hide from yourself, the simplicity of just being as you are without having to change anything.
-Gail Brenner
I'm just gonna lay it all out there.
I realize there’s a lot of shame that comes with talking about this. I even feel a little bit of shame as I type this out.
But I'd share this with you if we were sitting together having a cup of coffee, so why not write about it on my blog?
When you say you struggle with depression or anxiety, people don’t look at your body. They know it has to do with your brain. It has nothing to do with your weight, muscle tone or what you're eating for lunch.
But when it comes to sharing with someone that you struggle with eating issues or body image issues?
They might immediately look at your body.
Or you might feel like they're looking at your body.
And judging you for your body.
And you might feel shame.
This is what shame does to us. It makes us want to hide.
So let’s do what scares us. Let's talk about shame. I know Brené would be very proud.
Why do we feel shame when we open up to someone about having body image issues?
Why do we feel judgement about what we look like when we confide in someone about our distorted eating?
Why do we feel like someone is going to judge us when we're in the checkout line, holding a carton of ice cream or a pack of Oreo's?
And really, why do we feel shame when we are in the bread aisle at the grocery store?
The other day, something revolutionary happened to me.
I called my counselor and left her a voicemail just to tell her about it. (Okay, who am I kidding, I totally called her for another reason, left her a 3 minute long psycho voicemail venting about something, and then at the very end told her I was facing my fear and buying a loaf of bread.)
But really. This was a big moment for me.
I walked into Whole Foods and bought a loaf of sourdough bread.
And you know what? I didn’t really feel any shame about it, and I didn't go home and eat the entire loaf.
I bought the bread because I wanted it! I was craving it!
You see, this is such a hard thing when you’re used to restricting what you eat all the time.
You don’t even know what you’re craving.
And then when you are craving something, and you finally let yourself give in, you eat the entire loaf of bread.
Sure, call me crazy, but this was of the first times I have purchased a loaf of bread because I was actually just craving it. I just wanted a toasted piece of sourdough bread to go with my dinner. And it was delicious!
Let me clear this up though, I'm talking about the "bad" kind of bread here. Because the Dave’s Killer 60 calorie bread, that's the "healthy bread." And as long as you only have one or two pieces, and as long as that's the only bread you have that day, you're fine. But those white squishy banquettes that taste like heaven sent??? Or the big loaves of rosemary sourdough? Those have been on the naughty list for far too long.
And this is what happens when we live in a restrictive mindset. We push down what we really want to eat ALL THE TIME.
And we stick to the safety of our pre-prepped meals and our “clean foods, “ and we think we will royally mess up if we eat one cupcake from the break room.
So we restrict, restrict, restrict,.
But then we eat the cupcake.
And we say "screw it," proceed to eat 8 more cupcakes, and the binge begins.
We get home from work, maybe with a shameful stop at the grocery store, and by 7:00 PM, we are so full we can’t even breathe and we may even be tempted to purge.
We wake up the next day feeling hella awful, swearing to ourselves that we'll be good and eat clean and not binge ever again.
And then we restrict what we buy at the grocery store because we are too scared to face our fears. We are so scared of buying certain foods because we think we will eat them all in one sitting, so we don't buy them at all.
And the cycle continues.
And there’s a heck of a lot of shame that comes along with this.
Like I've said before, shame gets us when we’re in the dark. Do you ever binge with all the lights on? Maybe you do, but I never really did. It was always at night, when it was dark.
I'd be so "good" all day and then nighttime would come and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.
I get it.
I’ve been there.
And I've sat in my car alone way too many times in the Shaw's parking lot stuffing myself with bread or ice cream or you name it.
So as freaky as it is to be talking about this on the internet, I’m just going to do it.
Because I am not going to live in this shame anymore.
And I don’t want you to either.
We need to bring our shame to the light.
So just buy the bread! Buy the food you want! Get the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream because you’re craving it! Listen to your body!
Eat it, enjoy it, and move on!
We have to let food hold less power over us.
Why do we feel this shame when we buy these "forbidden foods??"
A sweet friend of mine told me that she even has this feeling with the checkout people at grocery stores sometimes. They have to be thinking, “OMG this girl is buying bread, ice cream AND chocolate?! She is so fat!"
Anyone else feel that way??
THAT IS 100% SHAME TALKING!
Because here’s the thing: People who don’t have eating disorders don’t think the way people think who have eating disorders.
The 19 year old kid working the check out probably doesn't care, let alone even notice what you're buying.
And that friend you ran into at the grocery store who you thought was judging you for what you were buying? I can almost guarantee you that they probably don’t care either.
Because they don’t have a disorder.
You do, so you're obsessed with it.
You think everyone else is thinking the way you do.
Newsflash! They're not!
People who don't have eating disorders aren't thinking about food all day long and what they should and shouldn't eat.
People who don’t have eating disorders aren't thinking about what other people are ordering at the restaurant when they go out to eat.
People that don’t have eating disorders don’t look at other peoples bodies all day long judging and comparing.
And people that don't have eating disorders really don’t care what you're buying at the grocery store! (And honestly, after an 8 hour shift, they are probably way more focused on how hungry THEY are and how much THEY want ice cream than to even put a second thought into thinking about what YOU are buying.)
The thing that is consuming your mind is NOT consuming the mind of every other person around you.
So let's get practical here. How are we going to overcome this?
BREAK YOUR FOOD RULES. I DARE YOU.
Next time you're at the grocery store, buy some of those “forbidden foods.”
I've started to do this. And I still get nervous.
I still think people are judging me.
I still judge myself.
But I am fighting past it.
I am doing it anyway.
I’ll get the ice cream, the chocolate or whatever it is that I'm craving. It's weird and I still feel guilty sometimes- especially if I’m in my diet mindset and I’m "trying to be good."
I still get worried that buying one chocolate bar will make me gain 10 pounds.
I still think the checkout person thinks I'm a total pig.
I still get worried about having foods in my cabinet that I used to binge eat.
But I will never overcome these issues if I keep doing the same things.
We have to do what scares us.
There is no shame in buying what you WANT. But there is shame in worrying that you’ll eat it all in one sitting, so you don't buy it at all. That is called fear, my friend.
We have to break our food rules over and over again until they don't have a hold on us anymore.
I bought two boxes of ice cream bars the other day because I couldn't decide which one I wanted to get. And I even ate one of those ice cream bars after lunch the other day because I WANTED IT. And I didn't eat both boxes in one sitting.
I have been eating carbs at EVERY MEAL lately because I'm craving them! English muffins with breakfast, rice with lunch and more bread with dinner. It's amazing! And I haven't gained a million pounds.
Just like it takes a baby time to learn HOW to eat, it might you time to UN-LEARN how you've been eating.
And it might take you time to learn how to eat intuitively if you have never done it before.
We have to re-learn how to listen to our hunger cues and cravings because we have spent way too much time suppressing what we actually want.
We have to learn to trust ourselves again! This is what intuitive eating is all about.
You might realize that one piece of bread was all you were really craving after all. But how will you know if you never try?
Jesus, the Savior of the world, compares himself to bread. “I am the bread of life," are his exact words. So I think it's pretty clear.
Bread is life.
So what would Jesus do?
Just buy the bread.
E
P. S. Here's a great podcast to listen to. Aspiration Grocery Shopping - episode 98. The Food Freedom Body/Love Method (by Jillian Murphy) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-food-freedom-body-love-method/id1360854310?i=1000453195981
P. P. S. If you want to practice some ways to overcome issues with shame, check out this article. It was a good read. https://gailbrenner.com/2014/07/10-life-changing-ways-to-move-through-shame/
P. P. S. What's a "no no" food you let yourself buy this week? Don't let shame stop you. Send me a message- I'd love to hear about it and support you in your journey!
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