I don’t know what it is, but something in me is changing.
We are always changing. Always becoming. Always evolving.
And I have been desperately trying to get this “adult stuff” down, and you know what? It’s really hard. I don’t know how people manage to do it:
-Work (and commute)
-Exercise
-Eat well (furthermore, food shop, meal prep, cook & clean)
-Do laundry
-Keep the house clean, change the sheets, dusted, etc.
-Maintain friendships and family relationships
-And still have time to paint nails or watch tv
I have been telling myself lately to slow down. To sit and be and listen more. To care for myself and to stop STRIVING. Anybody else feel like they’re just in survival mode all the time? Why do we do that to ourselves?
I was challenged this week to not judge myself so harshly–and in turn, to not judge others so harshly. When I catch myself judging others harshly, it’s usually because I am judging myself the most. I will not expect so much from others because I will expect less from myself. And I don’t mean less in lowering your standards by any means, I just mean giving up being perfect.
I’ve wanted to turn this blog into this inspirational healthy body image, eating well, exercise thing, and I don’t really know how to do it. But I will get there. Just like I don’t know how I’ll afford a Craftsman style home someday with a big porch and a golden retriever, but I’ll get there. We all will. But it’s the journey that makes us who we are. And once we do “get there,” it’s never gonna be what we thought it would be.
We never actually “get there.”
I have struggled since I was 13 years old with different versions of eating disorders and I want to share my story with you. I know everyone struggles with the way they look at times, some a lot more than others, but I think a lot of women specifically are fed lies their whole lives. We are told our entire lives of the “ideal body” and that we need to look or be a certain way, and I am here to say that that is all a bunch of BS.
We need to just LIVE, ladies! We need to accept and love ourselves for where we are and who we are and whatever job we are in and clothes we have and etc etc etc! Because if you don’t love yourself when you’re feeling bloated or not at your “goal weight” or in the best job or whatever, you still won’t once you hit that goal weight, job relationship. whatever. I have tried for far too long to try to be the fittest and prettiest I can be, and I’m kind of over it. It’s exhausting. Anyone else with me? It’s like real exhausting. I don’t want to think about what I am eating all the time and obsess about exercise and my body and everything! I want to live!
I will go into more details at a later date about all of this….but right now, this is my soap box. And this is what I am desperately trying to do: LIVE IN FREEDOM.
Not to define my worth by how my skin looks on a certain day or if I “feel good enough” or “toned enough” or if I worked out or not. Anybody else feel me??
Parents don’t just love their kids when they’re well behaved, right? They love them all the time. No matter what. So why would you be like that with your body? Or your self image? Why only love yourself when you did xyz (workout, eat well, etc). We need to love and accept ourselves all the time. Our bodies will always be changing. We will always be changing. That is LIFE.
Now I’m not saying it’s easy, but we need to live ourselves GRACE. We need to love ourselves for where we are RIGHT NOW. Not wait until we get to where we want to be! Make goals, ladies and gents. Work hard to get there. Push yourself in those workouts. Eat well and amazing foods that come from the earth. And also splurge on the donut or the brownie sundae because life is made for living. BUT DO NOT DO IT TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU THINK WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY/CONTENT/ENOUGH/WORTHY. Because it will never be enough.
I repeat. It will never be enough.
I have the same soapbox about single people who want to be dating/married. If you aren’t happy being single, what makes you think you’ll be happy once you’re married? Like you’ll still be the same freaking person just sharing a bed with someone. Contentment, joy, happiness & true freedom comes from fully accepting and loving YOURSELF, as you are. You are already worthy and loved and ENOUGH. Do you believe that?
Now, don’t let all of these words fool you. I am the first to be the pot that calls the kettle black. I have been preaching for many MANY years now for all of my friends to LOVE THEMSELVES while still deep down not loving myself. So I’m coming clean. I’m on this journey with you. Some are further ahead, some are not, and that is okay. Like that quote that says “don’t compare your chapter 1 with someone else’s chapter 23,” we have to just accept where we are, regardless of where anyone else is around us.
Live your life. Love yourself. And in turn, you will be able to love others even better. You won’t be doing it from a place of need. I struggle with that all the time. I think that I need to do things for people, buy things for them, serve them in some way, to receive their love.
Love isn’t a transaction. And the people in your life that make it feel that way? Do some deep diggin’ in that heart of yours. Is it you? Do your boundaries suck? Or is it them? Do you maybe need to take a step back? Don’t have too many one-way relationships. That ain’t a friend.
So many things I want to blog about. I can have a bit of a “scatter brain” because I have so many thoughts and I want to get them all out!!
But I will leave you all with this:
Accept yourself for where you are today. Yes, you may be in a really crappy job or relationship or feel gross about your body. Accept that that is where you are. And then what are you going to do to change it? What can you actually do? In life, we usually have way less control than we think we do. But what can you actually do to get where you want?
You sitting at your desk all day thinking about how fat you are isn’t gonna make a damn pound come off. But you know what is? Accepting the reality of your situation. Accepting yourself will. Covering yourself in grace will. And making decisions for how you are going to change what you can change will. You’re just going to make a better choice in the next meal you eat and exercise after work! And not restrict and diet but just LIVE.
I want this blog to be about the following, so if you’re into that, stayed tuned for more:
Loving yourself for where you are
Giving yourself grace
You probably judge others so much because you judge yourself
Criticizing your body bc that’s the way you were raised
Having an unhealthy view of “what the perfect” body is because of your upbringing
The non-diet diet
Eating disorders, overeating, over exercise, trying to pursue the “perfect body” and miserably failing (or the typical “let me eat all of the bread now and my diet will start tomorrow” cycle and then you do the same thing every single week, telling yourself that you will “eat well” and “low carb” and then you give up and eat ALL OF THE CARBS. Been there? Haha YUP. SAME.)
OH MAN GUYS. So much I want to share. So here goes. Jumping off the deep end. We will see where this takes me….stay tuned for more!
E
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