Sometimes if I don’t write…I will turn to things that aren’t so good for me, thinking that somehow, some way, one of those things will give me some relief.
But the truth is — no relief comes.
We waste a lot of time trying to do a lot of things to cover up our hurt and numb it out.
Because at the end of the day, it’s such a hard concept to wrestle with grief.
And to wrestle with it constantly.
Daily.
Moment by moment.
Most of the time, I hate grief because it makes me believe that everyone’s life around me is easier. And a lot less depressing.
And probably not as exhausting to live through and sift through.
But the reality is, everyone has hard things in their life. Social media just doesn’t always show that. And many of us haven’t dug deep enough to really get to the root of all the pain we have.
Most of us just try to stay busy or numb it with whatever substance or activity or person of our choosing (I am not calling anyone out, this is me calling myself out here!)
And I am learning that things in my life can be so intertwined. And we all have different seasons for different things. Seasons of growth and change and becoming ourselves even more, and then seasons we’re just trying for the life of us to hang on.
And sometimes those seasons are all happening at once.
And grief is so strange because I’m either trying to numb it out half the time or feeling it so deeply it makes me want to dig a hole and jump in forever.
But then, there’s this portion of time where I forget the grief is there and how heavy it is. Maybe I’ve just been carrying it for so long, I get used to the weight.
And I’m happy and joyful and having a great day…and then the grief hits again, and I feel guilty for being happy.
Guilty that I am the healthy one.
Guilty for doing okay when someone I love so much in my life is suffering and I can’t do a damn thing about it.
And right now, I just needed to process my own grief.
And that is why I write.
With my red “Merry Christmas” mug with leftover coffee that I turned into hot chocolate next to me, that I’ve already nuked in the microwave 3x today. (Life tip: don’t use one of those coffee drink frothers while simultaneously squeezing honey into a hot drink….the honey will get stuck to the frother and begin to wrap around it as it swirls and it will FLING all over the counters, you and the kitchen. As dad reminded me, things like that put a clean freak in their place. He’s so right).
So back to it. I just need to keep writing about my own grief. Watching my beloved mother suffer. Watching her decline with dementia. Watching her be completely helpless and bed and wheelchair bound.
Still having to get up and work and keep it together to answer sales calls. Christmas break, what even is that?
We all of us think someone else has it easier, don’t we? But is that really true?
I read two things this morning that stopped me in my tracks.
One was a quote and the other was from Proverbs 31.
“Faith without thankfulness lacks strength + fortitude.”
“She sets about her work vigorously, her arms are strong for her tasks.”
Whether I want to be “the strong one” or not, this is the way God has made me. Literally and figuratively. I’ve always been insecure that my arms are too big, and I am tired and weary as 2024 comes to a close…I’m tired of being strong.
But at the same time, I am hopeful for and looking forward to all that God will do in 2025.
So hopeful.
Faith with thankfulness gives us the strength we need to keep going.
And I think the only way to be strong sometimes is to just admit to God that you just can’t anymore, to be weak and to just count your blessings.
Even if you’re crying.
Even if you’re grieving.
Even if sometimes it just doesn’t make any sense.
Only giving it all to Jesus and crying it out, and sitting in the disparity of my loneliness will give me the peace and comfort I am looking for…
Jesus asks for everything.
He will bring you to the place of total exhaustion and hurt and grief. Why? Well, I don’t know why. But what I do know? More than ever through hell and high water, that He loves you. He wants you to realize it’s HIM. It’s been HIM all along that holds the stars and counts and numbers our days. It is HE who is in control. And in control alone.
And He is the only sure thing we have this side of heaven.
I haven’t journaled in while and this morning I wrote so long I thought my hand was going to cramp up.
And I just kept writing the same things.
Grief makes no sense.
Suffering will never be explainable.
I am so sad.
But I can keep holding on.
I can hold the hope.
I can hold the faith with thankfulness.
I can smile at the memories of my mom, or when she says something to us that reminds us she’s still there.
I can stay busy and work vigorously, and keep my arms strong for their tasks.
And I can also grieve.
And cry.
And lament at the fact that this is just a TERRIBLY CRAPPY reality for our family.
We have watched my mom suffer for basically my entire 20’s and now into my 30’s. And let me tell you, I am FREAKING OVER IT!!
I am tired and sad almost all of the time.
I cry in church nearly every Sunday.
And I can’t even begin to think about how tired my dad actually is ... as he cares for our sweet mama, day in and day out.
So I just keep crying.
I keep writing.
And I keep holding all of these things.
I can cry and sit in the numbness I feel. I can say, this absolutely sucks.
And I can also know and believe and trust that God is still good.
He still loves me more than I can fathom and He will get my family through this.
And at the same time.
This can all still make no sense and be a total paradox.
God is still faithful and a healer, even if this situation with my mom absolutely sucks and he hasn’t healed her.
And it’s okay to just say IT SUCKS! It doesn’t mean I don’t trust God and his plans.
It means I don’t understand his plans…but it doesn’t for a second mean he’s not with me.
I’m so grateful I got to spend time with my parents and family for both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year…but I’d be lying if I didn’t share that I am totally beyond exhausted.
Exhausted from grieving.
Exhausted from working vigorously with my stupid strong arms.
Exhausted from trusting God that He does have a bigger plan in mind for us.
Exhausted that we are still grieving. And probably will be for a long time.
So what am I trying to say here…
Whatever it is that you are going through….He is always the answer.
Jesus is the answer.
And I will spend my entire life shouting this from the rooftops.
Mom is sick!
Mom is declining.
It sucks!
BUT!
I have hope that this isn't’t the end!!
I have the hope of heaven!!
My mom won’t suffer for forever!
God is holding her closer than any of us are…and sometimes that’s the only hope I have in all of this crap.
(I wish I could use harsher words than crap, but I want to make sure I keep all of my writing online PG).
So if you’re reading this and also feel like you’re going through hell…either yourself or watching a loved one through it…keep turning to Jesus, my friend. I know that is the Sunday School answer but from experience, it’s about the only answer I’ve got.
Maybe you can’t run to Him because you’re tired. I get it. Sometimes when I run, I feel like my legs are bricks. But all He asks is that you would just turn your face to Him. Let him shine His light upon you. Let Him give you that relief you’re searching for….I promise you, it’s not from any of the other things you think. I had that epiphany the other day when I was utterly alone and no one was picking up their phone…
Huh, Jesus, maybe you just want me to spend time with YOU.
Just you.
And that is the answer to it all.
We’ll never have some of the answers we’re searching for this side of heaven.
We can ask “why?” all we want, but sometimes we will never get that answer.
But what we can get?
Jesus himself.
His Peace that passes all understanding.
His Comfort that is better than anything or anyone this world has to offer.
His Joy that enables us to see the good even in the worst of it.
Happy New Year, my friends. Praying light and life and healing and joy and more of Jesus in all of our lives in 2025.
”…And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)
🕊️
P.s. a great song I have on repeat right now:
Somewhere between
Henrik
Written December 31, 2024
Comments