For those of you who are just joining me now, I didn’t used to be like this. I wasn’t free.
I thought I was, but I was far from it.
You see, eating disorders overtake every area of your life. Not just the food parts and how clothes fit—they actually take away from every part of your life.
People think those with eating issues just restrict what they eat and are super skinny, or they’re the people who can’t control themselves around food and are the protagonists in “my 600 pound life.”
But both of those examples are far from the truth.
Contrary to popular belief, eating disorders have nothing to do with anything on the outside.
They're all in the mind. They have absolutely nothing to do with what your body looks like at all.
And they negatively affect and take away from every single aspect of your life. And the saddest thing about them? You don’t even realize it while it’s happening.
You don’t see how bad it really is until you’re finally healing and getting out of it.
Like any addiction, you don’t see how it’s overtaking your life until you start peeling back the layers one by one.
It all started when I was 13.
I remember it so vividly. And I remember I went on one of the coolest trips of my life that summer to the Galápagos Islands.
And my issues were full blown out of control.
That was when I restricted. And I was crazy. But I couldn’t even help it.
I’d eat the bare minimum as long as I could stand it, and then when everyone went to bed, I’d find myself binging on granola bars from my suitcase.
Eating disorders make you crazy.
And they evolve over time.
And honestly? I think I used mine as a means of protection.
It gave me a sense of control when I felt like I had none.
And I think this is why barbell training is saving me— it’s not about my body for the first time in my life. And I’m at a point in life where I don’t feel like I need to control everything.
I am okay with balance— finally! And it’s just about being stronger. I don’t overthink it. I lift 3 days a week. That’s it. Some weeks I get in cardio on my off days, some weeks I don’t.
And it’s okay.
Some weeks, I don’t lift at all. Like this week, when I went on a ski trip with my family.
And it’s okay!
Changing up my routine doesn’t give me full blown anxiety anymore, and it doesn’t make me binge either.
Why?
Because I’m not in this crazy restrictive mindset anymore.
With food or with exercise. Or with my life in general.
And I still catch myself wondering who the heck I am when I actually eat what I’m craving, take a few days off from working out or go grocery shopping and buy a food I always labeled as “forbidden.”
Of course I missed lifting this week, but it wasn’t because I was afraid of turning into a giant mush ball. Yes, I know you might be thinking, “but Elsa, you skied for 6 days in a row, isn’t that enough exercise?” But when you have an ED, it’s never enough.
I am finally finding true freedom.
And it’s crazy. It’s absolutely crazy.
And every day it feels like I’m doing something I’ve never done before.
And that’s exactly what healing is: breaking down all of the rules and thought patterns you’ve had and doing the exact OPPOSITE of what Ed is telling you to do. I found a note in my phone from last year about the things I wanted to write about more. Want to know what was at the the top of the list? Writing about my eating disorder.
I have been wanting to share these thoughts for a long time.
So here I am, writing about it. As scary as it may be to put myself out there, and all the shame that trickles into my mind telling me not to post this, I know someone reading this is tearing up because they get it. They’re struggling just like I did. And they want freedom.
I want you to find this freedom!
I’m not there yet and some days I don’t know if I’ll ever get there, but I am so much freer than I was a year ago, let alone 10 years ago.
To the girl who spends every day hating her body and beating herself up for messing up her diet, I am talking to you. I was that girl.
And I am writing this for you.
You deserve full healing too.
So what would happen if you didn’t plan out your next diet today?
What would happen if you just ate what you wanted to eat today and listened to your body and what it’s craving?
What would happen if you didn’t tie emotion to food? Do you feel like you’d spiral out of control, eat everything in sight and gain 100 pounds?
I get it. I have the same fears.
And intuitive eating is scary.
But I believe, from years of experience going up and down the same 10 pounds, it’s the only way we can heal. Why?
Because diets don’t work.
They’re not sustainable.
You can’t be “on a diet” or “off a diet” for the rest of your life.
(Well I mean you can, but that would just suck, right?)
Your brain needs to be re-wired and the only way to do that is to NOT restrict and NOT diet.
And to NOT be so obsessed with exercise.
Sounds counter intuitive, right?
It’s because it IS. “But Elsa, I want to lose weight!”
Have you ever thought that maybe your life purpose isn’t just to lose weight, get married and have kids?
You were made for so much more.
So, beautiful girl, why are you trying to be less all the time?
We need to see ourselves the way we actually are.
We need to stop thinking less of ourselves.
I’ve been working on my internal dialogue lately, and when it goes south, I talk to myself. Shocking, right—I talk to strangers AND I talk to myself.
But seriously.
Just like I would encourage someone else, I encourage myself. I tell truths to myself. And it’s kind of working. Sometimes I feel like a freak when I say to myself, “Elsa, good job, I’m so proud of you.”
But really.
How many YEARS have you spent berating yourself with horrible, belittling self talk?
We are worth so much more.
And we settle for another diet because we don’t see our own worth.
It’s time to live in the truth. And it’s time to know our worth.
Your worth isn’t in your weight, how toned you are or how those jeans fit. You’re worthy just for the fact that you’re a living, breathing human being on this earth. So, do you believe it?
You deserve this freedom too.
E
P. S. We had the best time skiing in Tahoe this year. It’s crazy how many years I’ve been skiing. I learned to ski when I was just 3, long before I had any body image issues. All dad says he remembers about me being that little on skis was how cute I was and that my ski instructors said I didn’t really understand directions well, especially the word, “stop!” If that doesn’t tell you something much deeper about me, not much else will. As I grew up and met Ed, I used to be so insecure in my ski outfits — worrying how the pants fit and the jackets and how I looked. Do you know how nice it is to not worry about the way my thighs look when I’m sitting on a chair lift now and all I want to do is just ski my brains out? So grateful for this freedom I am finally experiencing. It has taken a while to get to this place, but the healing is real this time. Thank you, God.
P. P. S. While writing this, I noticed a snag in a new shirt I had on. So annoying right? But whatever. Such is life. Nothing is perfect. But the moment of freedom I had? I didn’t even think twice about the way my arm looked in the shirt when I noticed the snag. HOW NICE IS THAT?? These are the little moments of breakthrough that happen when you’re healing. I want you to have more and more of these moments every single day too.
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