I've been wanting to write a post for those struggling with being home right now, having their routines thrown out the door & the stress that has come with quarantine. Closing gyms, new schedules, spiraling negative body image, overthinking, overeating, restricting, exercising, worrying about how your body might change in this time....and the list goes on....
I do want to talk about those things.
I do.
And I will.
But God put something else on my heart and I knew I needed to share this first.
I like to write from the heart, anyway.
And this right here is a lot closer to my heart right now.
A lot of people call me Sunshine.
It's a wonderful nickname, really.
And I feel like it's appropriate.
But what happens when Sunshine needs a break?
And she doesn't feel like being "on" and beaming her light and encouragement to the world?
What happens when she gets tired?
Overwhelmed?
Overworked?
Sad?
What happens when Miss Sunshine needs to Sunset?
I've been doing a lot of thinking (and overthinking) in this quarantine time, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts.
Who am I anyway when I'm not at the gym? When I'm not writing? When I'm not encouraging someone?
When I'm home alone and no one sees what I'm accomplishing and I get no recognition. What's my identity then?
And this time...maybe we aren't supposed to be striving and growing.
Maybe we aren't supposed to be obsessed with anything.
Maybe we aren't supposed to "figure it all out" just because all of a sudden we have more time at home.
However you are feeling in all of this...your feelings matter.
But also, your feelings aren't always the best gauge of how you're actually doing.
Because maybe you're like me and you just need to set a boundary, say no, have a good cry in the shower and go to bed!
And maybe the quote that goes something like, "you disrespect yourself every time you say YES when you meant to say NO" wrecks you to the core just like it wrecks me.
And do you get bitter.
I get bitter.
People think I'm all nice and happy all the time.
No.
Deep down, I get bitter.
Real bitter.
And a friend pointed out to me that I get bitter when I give someone else the job of assigning MY boundary.
Bitterness is a boundary issue.
When I think someone else can read my mind.
When I fail to communicate.
When I fail to actually ask someone for what I need.
For someone who writes about her feelings all the time, it's shocking how terrible I can be at vocalizing my own feelings and asking for what I need.
But the Sun? No boundary issues there!
The sun knows it's boundaries.
The sun knows when to set.
The sun knows when to say no.
And maybe right now you're like me and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.
And you're trying to make everyone happy, take care of everyone else and support all these people in this time...but really what you need?
You need to say no.
You need to SET.
And you need to cry in the shower!
THE SUN NEEDS TO SET & SO DO YOU.
I'm being honest because I know I'm not the only one.
Too often I try to keep it all together.
I'm open and "vulnerable," but I'm not actually honest because I don't even know how to voice what I need sometimes.
"When I'm bitter it's usually because I didn't honor my own boundaries and I'm expecting someone else to honor them for me."
-my friend Art
Dang.
Tell people what you need, stop making them guess.
People can't read your mind!
You can't expect someone ELSE to know your limits- that is your responsibility.
I am learning this and I am posting about this because I want to keep learning it and working on it.
You can't expect people to read your mind.
You can't expect people to know what you need if you have not TOLD them.
It's okay to tell someone you're spent and you have needs.
IT'S OKAY TO BE NEEDY.
It's okay to break down.
It is okay to NOT BE SUNSHINE!!
And you might think you're a burden and feel guilty...same....
but you are NOT!
And I know there are others out there right now that need to hear this. But if anyone needs to hear this, it's me.
You can't serve from an empty wagon.
You can't keep pouring out if you don't get filled up yourself.
You are the only one putting the expectation on yourself that you have to have it all together.
It's time to be real. It's time to be honest. It's time to ask for help. And it's time to ask for what we need!!
And just like the sun, you need to set your boundaries and let yourself turn off from time to time, so you can shine brightly again.
Xx
Sunshine
P. S. I truly think my best Blog posts come from my personal experiences and when I write from the heart. This post is my heart. It's me being vulnerable and gut honest with you, but more importantly, gut honest with myself. How much BETTER could I serve and love those around me if I actually managed myself better and knew my limits?
P. P. S. Just like I turn my work phone off at the end of the day to "Do Not Disturb" - maybe it's time we start doing that in life too. The sun sets every night after all, doesn't it?
P. P. P. S. Thank you to my friends who remind me of these truths. You know who you are.
And just in case you're an Enneagram 2 too and you need to hear this again, here are these truths summed up:
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