I’m finally not trying to be someone else.
I was thinking that at the gym this morning — maybe you’re like me, and you can relate to this. One minute, you feel just fine about yourself and you’re not worried about much. And then, seemingly in the next moment, someone comes in, a little bit fitter, a little bit stronger, a little “better” than you (or so you think) and you’re back to being insecure again.
But then I had the thought — I bet she has similar feelings! I bet there is some aspect of her life that she may think isn’t good enough or also thinks that her body needs improvement.
Or maybe there is some tragic thing going on that I can’t see from just looking at her body.
Yet, here we are, comparing our lives and our bodies and our situations to everyone else’s…when everyone else is doing the exact same thing.
And have we ever thought that the person next to us might just be trying to get through the day?
And really, if we really knew what people around us were going through, I think we would stop comparing so much.
No one has it all.
No one has a perfect life, even if it may seem that way. If you had a really real conversation with anyone on this planet, you would quickly learn that everyone has something in their life that breaks their heart.
And I’ve been hit so much recently with what I think is the great paradox of life — you always have the good with the bad.
You always have the hardship with the joy, the healing with the pain, the sadness with the sweetness.
Keep tracking with me — I promise I have a point.
I teared up the other day with a lady at the airport as I checked my bag in. I have no idea how it was only 48 pounds, but there we were.
She asked where I was going. I told her I was going home, but I had tears in my eyes. “I guess I’m not really going home, New Jersey is home, but I just love and miss my parents! I don’t know why I am crying… I’ll be back in two weeks for Christmas!”
I’m usually never like that when I’m leaving New Jersey, but God has just been molding my heart and wringing it out.
Life just feels so much sweeter.
I feel so much freer.
And I am learning to experience all of the emotions, the good and the bad.
I’m not overthinking every morsel of food I put into my body anymore. I’m not always on a diet or obsessed with losing weight and getting smaller. I don’t stress out about travelling anymore and what I’m going to eat or when I’ll get my workouts in. I no longer hide in the dark hole of my eating disorder, trying my hardest to do everything I can to feel “in control” of my life.
My safety is no longer found in my workout streak for the week or how well I ate Monday to Friday.
And it’s the wildest thing to feel this free.
But here is the hardest thing to reconcile — how can I feel like I’m in such a good place, where I’ve never felt more joyful and free, I have a beautiful apartment, made a home for myself on the west coast, have a job I’ve been absolutely blessed with, friends that feel like family….yet, the same time, when I’m with mom or even just think about her, it’s like my heart has been put into a blender.
I remember hearing Rick Warren talk about “the two trains” when I worked at Saddleback. In life, there is always going to be the train of grief and the train of joy, and they run full speed ahead.
We are always going to have both.
Sometimes one is not as fast as the other, and sometimes they both chug full speed ahead at an alarming rate.
But grief is the hardest thing to wrestle with.
And it’s the weirdest thing. I can be totally fine and then the next minute I’m a wreck crying at the airport as I fly back to California.
Seeing my mom, this vivacious powerhouse of a woman, completely deteriorate and decline. A woman who once lead training seminars for Hyatt Hotels in Hong Kong, now deteriorating to dementia….and it’s like I’m just waiting for the blades of the blender to whirl again on my heart.
But! But. I’m also more free in my eating disorder in my life.
It just doesn’t make sense.
Why does mom have to suffer and why do I feel bad about being happy sometimes? I’m finally living in freedom…but mom is in worse shape than ever?
I wrote about this the other day and then it got deleted.
Deleted!!
I was so annoyed. Shocked almost.
But then I realized — I needed to just pray and process and cry it out. I had to just process my own grief.
I had to just sit with God.
And sometimes, I think that’s the only reason I write.
I just want to encourage someone out there, whatever it is you are going through, God is still with you, even if it doesn’t make sense.
Even if you feel like you’re being tortured or you are watching a loved one being tortured. Life is so messy and honestly sometimes I wish it was all a bad dream, BUT, there is also still so much goodness.
Joy is still all around us.
And joy has absolutely nothing to do with our circumstances.
The peace that passes all understanding is just that — it is peace when it doesn’t make sense.
With all of the feelings happening simultaneously.
The good with the bad.
And I’ve had the thought that our hearts grieve so deeply because all the horrible things that happen this side of heaven were never meant to happen.…we were made by a perfect God, to live in a perfect world, but because of the fall, we live in a sinful, fallen world.
So no wonder it hurts so much!!
No wonder we struggle with suffering so much!
No wonder we’re so obsessed with being perfect!
We were made for it!
And I think it just makes me yearn for heaven a little bit more. So if you’re reading this questioning if God is real or wondering why we have to go through horrible things this side of heaven, just ask God.
Ask God to reveal himself to you. Ask God to be with you in the pain. And ask him to restore your joy — sometimes you might experience both emotions so incredibly at the same time.
The trains just keep on going. And you keep going, even if you think you won’t.
You’re so much further along than you give yourself credit for. Oftentimes I need to remind myself how far I’ve come.
And it’s the same with you.
So we laugh, we cry, and we continue to process.
We ask God to restore our joy. Over and over again.
We continue to grieve and hold that love in our hearts for the people that our hearts ache for, while simultaneously living in the freedom God has given us. While continuing to have the joy.
My mom is an anomaly. We joke she is like a cat with nine lives or is it eleven lives? Well whatever it is, she’s on her 12th. And my dad‘s love for her amazes me.
She is still herself sometimes. She asked me to cuddle with her the other day (after she punched and wanted to fight me when I helped put her to bed). She hugged me closely, and kept telling me how proud she was of me. I don’t think she noticed the tears streaming down my face — and that’s the wildest thing about this life.
We experience the joy, the comfort, the peace, the chaos and the horribleness all at once. It’s always happening. All at once.
And whatever you are going through, I just want to write to remind you about the goodness of God. Even if you feel like you’re going through hell. He is always with you. He will never forsake you. There is still joy around you. And you can trust that he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.
Keep holding on.
Be joyful in hope.
Patient in affliction.
Faithful in prayer.
Choo Choo 🚂 🚂
(Written December 12, 2024 in honor of my mom who has always called me “Her Joy”)
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Romans 12:9-21 NIV
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