What about this theory:
The fear of “not being enough” and the fear of “being too much” are exactly the same fear: the fear of being you.
Ooooof. Read that again.
I stumbled upon this quote recently. And it totally wrecked me.
I’ve always felt like I was too much.
Too loud, too annoying, too talkative, too big, too weird, too outgoing...and the list goes on.
Yet, at the same time, I’ve always felt like I was never enough.
Never dainty enough, never small enough, never quiet enough, never toned enough, never accomplished enough, never stylish enough, never pretty enough….
That’s why this quote hit me so hard.
These two things are exactly the same fear: the fear of being me.
The voices around me and the voices in my head are the ones that have been telling me all along that I am too much. And these are the same voices that have been telling me that I am not enough.
They’re all the same voice. And they’re all lying.
The scariest thing though? I've believed them.
I’ve let these voices dictate my life. And I've let them tell me who I am.
It's made me afraid to just be myself.
Maybe you can relate.
I’ve also dated a handful of guys that have said some crazy things to me. Some stand out more than others, and the things they’ve said are just too good not to share.
I’ll never forget the guy who was horrified when I told his uppity New York City friend that I worked at a mechanic shop. Or the guy that told me that I looked sexy while eating a burrito.
Or there was the boyfriend who told me I dressed like a grandma and always looked frumpy. He was also the same person who told me that my optimistic outlook was fake, and I was a really negative person deep down.
Or there's the guy who exclaimed, “Wow, you really are as real as they come,” as I ate a chili cheese dog and managed to spill it down the front of my shirt.
Yes, I know these are really silly examples, but as the years have gone by, it's these comments that have furthered my case. I am too much and not enough all at the same time.
Insecurity does that to you.
You see, when you have distorted thoughts, you believe everything you think.
And everything you’re told.
And you internalize everything.
The whole “take everything with a grain of salt” thing means nothing to you because you don’t even know your own identity.
And you don’t even know what the truth is.
The battle going on in your mind wins every time.
And it distorts everything.
In a world that’s already telling me that I’m not enough, why am I listening to the voices in my own head that are also telling me that I’m not enough?
Our negative self talk is an epidemic. When negative things are said to us, we internalize them. And for me, it all came down to this: I wasn’t okay with myself, so I believed the lies.
Even with people complimenting me my entire life for being so confident, I've still struggled to find my worth and know my worth ...and actually believe my worth.
I still think I'm too much.
And I still think I'm not enough.
Yet out of all of the guys I’ve dated, and all of the ridiculous things that have been said to me, let me tell you about the one who stands out the most.
Ed.
No one has ever topped this guy.
He was the literal worst. Dumpster fire status, to be exact.
He still is. He still hasn’t changed.
He still says horrible things.
But I have changed.
He still sometimes tries to call me too. And sometimes, I still answer.
I still sometimes believe him too.
Every time we were together, he would remind me of all of my imperfections. It was constant.
It went something like this:
“You really need to watch what you eat, have you gained weight? You probably feel huge right now because you are huge, make sure you restrict what you eat today. Cut out all carbs this week. You don’t look very good....those love handles have sure grown. Those jeans are a little tight. You definitely should change. Are you doing your cardio? You shouldn't eat that, you need to get another workout in, look how much prettier she is than you….”
It never ended….
“You are really ugly....and you just overate. Make sure you start a new diet on Monday. That picture you're tagged in is terrible. Make sure you un-tag yourself from all of those photos. You don't want people seeing those. You also probably shouldn’t go out tonight. And you're nervous about seeing that friend next week who's lost weight? Maybe it's because you need to lose weight too...."
“You have so many stretch marks.”
“Your skin is so bad."
“Your hair looks terrible."
“Have you even worked out today?"
It. Never. Ended.
From the morning I’d wake up to the minute I went to sleep, I was replaying the things that Ed said to me.
I remember reading parts of a book titled, “Life without Ed" in college.
And it got me thinking….I’ve been dating a guy named Ed this entire time.
FRIENDS. If I was dating a man who actually said these things to me, you’d be disgusted, right?
You’d smack me up, down and sideways to get me to break up with him, right?
Well, what if I told you that this was the voice in my head?
These are the things I’ve been telling myself since I was 13 years old.
And these are things that I still tell myself sometimes.
And the reason that I'm sharing all of this? I know I am not the only one.
I think there are a lot of other people dating Dumpster Fire boyfriend Ed too. He's a total player, am I right?!?!
I remember the dieting started at such a young age, I just wanted to lose weight so my 8th grade crush would notice me. I thought if I was a pants size smaller, everything would be okay and he would like me. My mom was always dieting, and my sister had just gone on her first diet, so it was just the logical next thing to do.
That's how I met Ed.
Ed is the reason I got rail thin, Ed is the reason my hair started falling out, Ed is the reason I had to start seeing a counselor. Ed is the reason I have stretch marks from gaining weight so fast, Ed is the reason why I've battled overeating, bingeing and purging. Ed is the reason why I've been obsessed with working out so much and Ed is the reason why I always doubted myself.
Ed is the reason why I never felt like I was enough.
And it has taken me a lot of years to break up with Ed.
And like I said, I still sometimes answer his calls.
I still sometimes hear his nagging voice when I get dressed in the morning or when I go to the gym, when I go out with my friends or when I'm about to leave on vacation.
But I've gotten a lot better at not answering his calls.
Are you dating a guy like Ed?
Or maybe you never dated a guy like Ed, but things were said to you growing up that still affect you today?
“Honey, don’t eat that. We don’t want you to be fat. You're getting a little chubby. Make sure you skip dessert. Maybe you should start a diet. You shouldn't wear that. Boys don't like fat girls."
Maybe this is more relatable?
Dumptober might be over….but you can still dump Ed.
And dump these thoughts.
And dump these lies that have been fed to you.
It’s so hard. Breakups are so hard.
And it will take time.
A lot of time.
Ed will keep calling.
But you can stop answering.
You can move forwards.
And you can get your life back.
(If you didn’t catch on, Ed stands for eating disorder. I never actually dated a guy named Ed. But a guy really did tell me I was “as real as they come” while eating a chili dog. And you better believe that after he said that, I got a second one- with extra onions. Because that’s what a dainty woman who’s not “too much” does).
So friend, why are you apologizing for being yourself?
Why are you so fearful of just being you?
Why are you trying to fit into someone else's mold? And why are you listening to these horrible lies telling you that you are not enough or that you are way too much?
Just be you.
And don't be afraid to be you!
I've been finding lately that my closest friends LOVE that I'm crazy. They love that I'm outgoing and that I feel so deeply. They are the ones that love me more because of the the 4 minute long voice memos I leave them. They don't mind that my brain is like a pinball machine. And they love that I'm spontaneous and silly and goofy and can talk to anyone.
And the same goes for you.
The people that think you're "too much?" They're not meant for you.
People will always have their opinions, no matter what. And someone will always disagree with what you're doing and how you're doing it.
But that shouldn't stop you from being you.
The right people will always stick.
Don’t be afraid to be yourself. It might take time. Heck, it might take your entire lifetime. But like I say over and over, you can’t get somewhere you’ve never been if you keep doing the same things you’ve always done.
Be you.
Be unashamedly you.
And stop apologizing for it.
Break up with that loser boyfriend already!
You are worth so much more.
I think I’m on a journey of finally accepting myself. And I’m going to keep writing about it. Maybe you’re already there and you’re totally fine with yourself, but maybe you’re not.
Maybe you’re like me.
You are not “too much.”
You are enough.
All you fear really, is being you.
I couldn't end this post without sharing this:
It happened again.
Exactly what I was writing about happened. I kid you not.
I asked a guy at a coffee shop to take my picture. (I have no shame. I was sitting in this cool chair hanging from the ceiling, so obviously I needed a photo).
I asked him, “how should I sit for the photo? Like this?"
He just looked at me and smiled.
"Just be you!!”
"Perfect."
So thank you, Abdullah, for proving my point. And you didn't even know what I was writing about.
Just be you.
Unashamedly you.
And always order the second chili dog.
E
P.S. “Take people's opinions with a grain of salt, add pepper, noodles, some cheese, because mac and cheese matters more than what anyone thinks about you. The end.”
Maybe it's really as simple as that.
Written: November 21, 2019
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