It's always been something- something I've practiced, cleaned, dated, eaten or drank in order to numb my pain.
In order to try to feel like I was in control.
When I was younger (and maybe still is), it was being the center of attention and taking care of mom.
Then it turned to codependceny. Overextending.
Trying to make everyone happy around me.
Constantly trying to get everyone's approval - doing way more than I needed to.
Then it turned to an eating disorder through high school and college.
Then it turned to exercise. And over exercise.
But it was what kept me safe.
Or so I thought.
Then it turned to alcohol. Social drinking turned into polishing off a bottle of wine by myself for dinner.
And I think it's always been boys.
And the list goes on.
What's your vice? We all have one. And I think it's because we were made to have a vice. We weren't made to "have it all together" and be in control all the time.
We were made to be wholly and completely dependent on God.
So it makes sense why we'd have so many things we run to and clung to thatARE NOT God.
Or at least maybe that's just me??
I cling to things I feel give me control.
Do any of these sound familiar?
If I just keep my home tidy, clean and vacuumed, then I'll feel like I'm in control.
If I can just maintain this muscle tone and fit into those jeans and not have arm jiggle, I'll feel safe.
If I just got a boyfriend who loved me, everything would be fine and I'd be happy.
If I just got the house, the body, the salary...everything would be okay.
I'd feel safe.
When will we realize it?
We're chasing after the wind! There's never a point this side of heaven we "have it all..."
And honestly, the older I get, the more I realize that the ones on the outside who look like they have it all are usually the most insecure and scared on the inside.
If I'm not content with my life at 28, how will I be at 38 or 48 or 58?
The way I spend my days NOW...this is my life.
And nothing, NOTHING, will ever make me feel as secure and seen and enough and beautiful as Jesus Christ.
Nothing.
I try to not make these posts to Jesus-y, but last I checked our world is going down the crapper and people are pretty hopefless, so I'm going to let this truth come out.
Jesus is the only way we're ever going to feel safe this side of heaven.
When we are clinging to him and finding our identity and meaning in him, we can truly experience peace and safety!
We can do everything we can to try to "feel" in control- but try as we might, another workout, pound lost, botox injection, bigger paycheck, new car, boyfriend, glass of wine will EVER make us feel in the long run like we're worthy.
I can only speak on behalf of myself but let me tell you - nothing in this world can make me feel my worth like Jesus does.
He made me! He knows everything about me! And whether I'm doing great or falling flat on my face in life, he loves me just the same.
You can never do anything that would make Jesus love you less.
Isn't that the craziest thing?
Jesus died on a cross long before any of us were even born. He already paid the price for our drunken nights, slanderous speech and bad decisions many, many years ago.
So what's your vice? Is there anything you're doing, or over-doing, that might be a sign that you need a little bit more Jesus?
When we get closer to Jesus, we feel less of a need to do all those other things to fill the void. I used exercise and alcohol to cope for so long, and I didn't even realize it. And that's how sneaky vices are.
Social drinking isn't bad, but what happens when you're having a drink or two every single night?
Working out isn't bad, but what if you're doing doubles and skip out on dinners with friends because you didn't get your workout in?
So where am I going with all of this...
It's simple- look at your life. Look very closely.
Your habits become your life.
Are you making the wisest decisions? Would you be proud of yourself for the life you've living in 10 years?
Is there something you're clinging to for comfort that really isn't comforting you?
How's your life shaping up? What habit might be beneficial to let go of?
Or maybe, what's a habit to add in?
We only get one life. And our habits and vices add up to be our lives.
God wants way more for you that obsessive exercising, over drinking, cleaning or serial dating.
He has SO much more for you...
So let go of those things that aren't freeing you. The things that keep you trapped.
It won't be easy, it may take years.
But just start.
You'll thank the person you become in a year or 2 years or 10 years because of the small changes you make now.
Xx
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