I was asked recently if I tracked my Macros.
I was also asked how I learned how to eat intuitively.
Honestly, some days I have no idea how I've gotten to this place.
I view myself and others a lot differently now.
And I've learned that love is the only thing that can free us.
It's like the things that I used to worry about just don't matter as much anymore.
And it's WEIRD.
But I think that's the point of healing.
You realize the things you've been holding on to so tightly just DO NOT MATTER.
What would happen if you just chose to love yourself already?
If you just chose to believe what the people in your life were telling you?
What God was telling you?
And you finally believed these truths?
You are whole.
You are enough.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Waking up every morning, worrying about your workout or what you're going to eat is exhausting, isn't it? Worrying about that upcoming trip and how you'll look in your clothes just takes so much energy. Worrying about last minute dinner plans with friends or your next meal because you ate too much at lunch wastes so much time.
The constant obsession.
The never ending nit picking.
The fear.
The insecurity.
And the list goes on.
But then one day, you realize it just doesn't' matter anymore.
I still have moments that are hard. The days that are hard, and really, the weeks that are hard.
But it's different now and I can't really explain it.
I wish I could give you the foolproof, 10 step guide for getting to this place. But like I've said before, healing isn't linear. And I guess I've just realized (through a lot of therapy, I may add), that there's a lot more to life than spending 99% of your day wishing your butt had less cellulite on it.
It's catching those thought patterns.
It's surrounding yourself with people who truly love you for YOU -not for what your body looks like.
And it's re-teaching yourself how to eat.
It's eating intuitively.
It's not chronically dieting.
And it's not being obsessed with exercise.
It's learning balance.
It's being less of a perfectionist.
It's accepting yourself.
And it's giving yourself grace.
It's loving and accepting yourself, flaws and all -it's letting love free you.
It's like this-
You know when you're going through a breakup and it feels like your heart has literally been ripped out of your chest?
And you have no idea how you'll even make it through the day, let alone the week, without crying and thinking about that person non-stop?
Whether you ended it or they did, it's just like, terrible?
And you just have no idea how long it'll take to heal?
It might take months or years, but then one day, you just wake up...and the sting is gone.
Like you've cried all the tears you needed to cry, and while you can still remember the pain, you don't feel it as deeply anymore?
I think that's what happens when you heal from an eating disorder.
You just keep doing the hard work, even when it's scary, even when you want to go back to your old patterns.
And you still might slip up even once you're "over it."
But it's just like the breakup.
You can still feel it. You still remember it. You can still miss it.
But it doesn't hurt you anymore -and it doesn't affect every single moment of every single day anymore.
You finally realize that life without Ed isn't as scary as you thought - letting go frees you to love yourself.
And loving yourself frees you to be who you were meant to be.
I know many people reading this might not feel free at all.
To the girl who thinks that everything will fall into place when she loses the weight or finally "tones up," this is for you.
I see you holding on so tightly to that.
Those dreams.
What your life would look like with that smaller body.
How much better it could be...
How much happier you'll be...
How much freer you'll feel...
How you might finally meet "the one"...
Well can I tell you this?
YOU ARE AS HAPPY AS YOU WILL EVER BE RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.
Right this very moment.
This.
This moment.
This is your life.
And I just beg you- please don't waste another second wishing everything was different.
Your life will not magically improve once you "lose the weight" or have the body you've been dreaming of.
We cannot experience freedom unless we truly believe we are loved just as we are.
What if you lost all that weight anyway and STILL hate yourself? Now that would be a travesty. Well, it happened to me. So let me shoot it to you straight.
Someone very near and dear to me has been reminding me of this.
You are loved.
You are free.
And the one cannot come before the other.
You cannot be free and then be loved.
You must realize you are loved first.
So that's what I'll leave with you today.
Try accepting the love.
Try accepting yourself.
And stop focusing on your imperfections.
Stop thinking your life would be better if ________________.
Fill in the blank- whatever it is.
We all have something we think will make our lives better.
But nope, that's not how life works.
Nothing will ever be perfect this side of eternity.
I found this quote the other day and it went something like this:
"It's taken so long to let go but I realized something...all that effort? All the overthinking? All the stress? It was actually just me holding on to nothing."
Can anyone relate to that?
Life is hard right now. And weird. But I pray that even in this hardship, you are growing.
I pray you are being freed to be who you were meant to be.
That next diet you want to try is just confirmation that this world has led you to believe that you are not enough just the way you are.
LIES!
You are.
You are enough.
You are loved.
You are free.
And when you truly start to believe that you are loved- it frees you.
And it will change everything.
It's really as simple as that.
Xx
E
P. S. Get yourself a boyfriend like ASJ. He's the greatest thing since sliced bread. He's teaching me that I am loved for exactly who I am right now- and nothing will ever change that. I don't have to do anything to earn it. And isn't that how God's love for us works? He loves us just as we are. He doesn't just love us because of what we do or what our pants size is. His love isn't conditional. His love isn't dependent on anything we do or don't do. It just is. And true love frees us. God's love frees us! So free yourself already! Life shouldn't be filled with all of the crap we hold on to. Because maybe you're like me- maybe you've just been gripping on to nothing all along.
P. P. S. But really. Love yourself. Free yourself. And let others help free you! Because last minute, carefree pizza nights are WAY better than worrying about what you had for lunch and what your arms look like in your tank top. I pinky promise.
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