Why do I still worry about how my butt looks when I’m standing in line somewhere?
Why do I cringe when I hear an ambulance?
Why do I get so annoyed when I can't get a workout in?
Our issues are often a lot more deeply rooted than we think.
And maybe all my fears have been connected all along.
I was reminded of this on a plane this morning — Delta upgraded me to Comfort Plus, but my window seat didn’t even have a window! It made me laugh.
"We can't have it all!" I said to myself.
And then I thought, “WOW, what a good metaphor!”
We can’t see into the future either.
We don't have a window seat to see what will happen.
This is where our fears creep in.
And most of our fears and worries are connected.
I wonder where you might be in your own healing. And I wonder if you can relate.
I've thought for a long time that if all my issues were resolved, I'd be okay. I wouldn't have to live in fear anymore if all of my body image issues finally went away.
Well, my anxiety has been lying to me for a long time.
And I think it's because everything has been connected all along. And there's been a bit of trauma.
I don't even like using this word because my trauma isn't as severe as others. I haven’t had a brother die on a battlefield or have a family member diagnosed with cancer…people that endure that pain...the chemo, the death, the PTSD, the survivors of abuse, the mother's who have lost children...they have endured real trauma.
They are the ones that deserve the use of that word.
Not me.
But pain and trauma are…. all relative.
And just because someone else has experienced what I might think of as “more painful,” doesn’t negate my own pain.
And it doesn't negate yours either.
Yes, some can handle more than others, but pain still hurts and still needs to be worked through, no matter how big, small or catastrophic.
Pain is pain. Loss is loss. And your pain matters. Never downplay what you have been through.
I think I have downplayed mine for a while.
And maybe this isn’t just in my head after all.
Maybe some of my fears are actually legitimate.
Circumstance after circumstance has shown me that it is a good thing to live in fear.
It’s good to be on my toes - bad things always happen.
And just like that, I heard a woman get up from her seat on the plane in front of me and groan in pain.
And the trauma came back.
My first thought? I wonder if her back hurts. I wonder if she hurts like mom always hurt.
I was immediately shot back to the memory of my mother in searing pain on an airplane. My mom has dealt with chronic back pain for years, and this was right before a major surgery she had scheduled. If you know anything about the healthcare system, you know it can take months to get a necessary surgery scheduled.
My mom was in agony but her surgery was still so far away.
We had a family vacation planned before the surgery, and if you know anything about my mother, she wasn’t going to miss this annual family vacation to Lake Tahoe.
But I’ll never forget watching her, in agony, sitting on the airplane, flying across the country. I felt utterly helpless. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could do to take away her pain.
Every second of every day hurt for her, and she was at the point where the pain was so severe, she could barely sleep at night.
The trip was miserable for her and I still think about it sometimes. Her wincing. How much she endured, and how much she has endured my entire life.
And the woman in front of me on the plane reminded me of this.
I've always been scared when my mom goes into a surgery, I've always been a little nervous to visit her in the hospital, and I still can't shake the memory of Christmas 2018 that we spent in the hospital. (At least dad made light of it by daring me to eat the hospital's pureed turkey and stuffing dinner & we got some nurses to help us decorate our Gingerbread House...)
But it all comes back to this: I have lived in fear. And I think it is my mom’s lack of health has led me to my obsession with health.
We either do the exact same thing or the exact opposite of what we grew up with, right?
And maybe this is why I obsess about my body, worry about being "fit enough" and get scared if I've gained weight.
I am holding on to my fears.
Since I have always felt helpless with not being able to do anything to help my mom, I've tried to control my own body.
I've been obsessed with exercise and eating well because it felt like it was the only control I had.
And maybe I’ve been so obsessed with these distorted thoughts because I was too scared to accept the reality that I might lose my mom.
And I've been so scared I'll end up like her.
Sick.
In pain.
Hospitalized.
It's easier to be wrapped up in my own insecurities than to actually face the fact that my mom has been sick for a majority of my life.
And then it happened again.
Just when I thought we were out of the woods, I moved out to California, mom was finally home and stable (and I was happy and a lot less guilt ridden for moving so far away), mom had a heart attack.
A freaking heart attack.
Like, are you kidding me!??!
And I got another free year subscription to Living in Fear.
And you know where I was headed when dad called to tell me? The airport. To go to Lake Tahoe. The same freaking family vacation with the bad memories of my mom in dire pain.
Now, this wasn’t completely out of the ordinary, to be honest. Mom had been hospitalized for nearly two years, on and off before this for various things. I almost expected every call from my dad to include something like, “on our way to the hospital in the ambulance today...”
But we thought the worst was over.
And this was different. This was a real fear.
And maybe that’s what I’m trying to express. There are rational fears and irrational fears.
And thinking I was about to lose my mom when she had a heart attack was sure as hell a rational fear.
I can still remember what my body felt like when I got that phone call from my dad.
I can still remember what my body felt like when I had to watch my mom endure the pain in Lake Tahoe.
I can still remember what my body felt like on that plane ride, looking out the window, just wondering if my mom would survive emergency surgery after her heart attack.
I’ve never been more fearful on a flight in my life. I just wondered if she would even be alive on the other end.
That was a totally rational fear. And the trauma has stayed with me.
I heard something recently about trauma and how it sticks with us. It might not stick in our minds and we might not always think about it, but it sticks in our bodies.
It stays with us.
Trauma lingers.
And I think this is what has happened to me.
But I also think I have mistaken my fears.
I mistake real fears with the fears in my mind.
Does this even make sense?
Sometimes it’s really hard to decipher what a legitimate fear even is.
Like I said, trauma lingers. And healing takes time.
And even when you are fully healed, you change. Healing changes you. My mom has changed. She’s been through so much and she is not the same woman she was.
And it’s the same with having body image issues and issues with food. It changes you. In good ways and bad ways. And you might never be the same on the other side.
And this is what I'm trying to tell you:
We have to really pick apart what the legitimate fears are.
And not be so hard on ourselves when the trauma lingers.
Because really, sometimes you might not know better. And sometimes your trauma comes out in other ways, just to get you through. Sure, I can be mad at myself for losing so many years to my eating disorder, but maybe it's what got me through the hardship with my mom. Maybe all those spin classes weren't so bad after all. Maybe they saved my life. They gave me moments of relief from dealing with the real trauma.
And I think deep down, my fears about my body have nothing to do with me wanting people to say, “Elsa was so hot and had such a nice body" at my funeral.
I think the fears about myself and my own body come down to this:
I am so scared of having the same things happen to me that happened to my mom.
Real fears put illegitimate fears into perspective.
And maybe that’s actually it.
I’m scared.
I’m so scared.
And I think that obsessively trying to control my body will keep me from pain.
And more trauma.
I think this is why I am so passionate about health, and why I want to do everything in my power to make sure I’m healthy and strong, and why I can get so down on myself when I don’t make good food choices or miss a workout or I overeat.
I never want to experience the pain my mom has had to endure.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow!
This whole blogging thing is really opening my eyes to how many issues I have! Ha!
And maybe it explains why I hate flying sometimes! And why I complain about packing so much!
But flying is so great though, right? Nothing says fun like being trapped in a petri dish of pre-breathed air, sitting with people you don't actually want to sit next to.
And no matter how hard you try, you’re going to rub up against them.
Your leg or your arm is going to inevitably bump the stranger next to you, unless you sit really uncomfortably for the 3.5 hour flight, right?
I was joking about this with my seat mate today, he was this big, strong guy with broad shoulders. Thankfully he was really nice and I didn’t mind sitting next to him, but the poor fella was was stuck in the middle seat.
I told him it was okay if his shoulder touched mine. It happens.
And that’s just it. It’s inevitable.
Trauma is inevitable.
It might always be there, no matter how hard we try to avoid it.
It might always affect us. And we might always be able to feel it no matter how far we have come.
I still get nervous when my dad calls me.
I still hate the smell of hospitals.
And I still get nervous about my body and if I'm"fit enough."
Trauma will always affect me.
But maybe like my own body image issues, I don’t always have to be affected by it. Like I said in my last post, I don’t have to keep answering the calls.
Let’s not let our past traumas dictate our futures. Maybe I am feeling the traumas in my body over and over that I’ve never healed from. And maybe you are too.
But it's okay. I have time to heal.
And you do too.
Let’s stop living in this fear.
Sometimes the fears in our minds cripple us even more than the legitimate fears around us - like the fear of losing someone.
Maybe your trauma is still affecting you too.
Maybe you can still feel the pain.
And maybe you're overcompensating in some other way right now because you never dealt with the original trauma. Going to an excessive amount of spin classes because you don't want to face reality? I've been there.
I just want to tell you this: you are going to be okay.
We don't have a window seat to see into the future, we have no idea what will happen, but we have to trust that no matter what comes our way, we will get through it.
I wouldn't be who I am without the trauma.
Time will heal me. And time will heal you too.
Let’s brace ourselves for the blows because they are going to come, but let's stop letting our fears rule our lives.
Real freedom comes when we face our traumas, and when we don't overcompensate in some other way.
What is an area of your life that you might be overcompensating?
Do you maybe need to talk with someone about it?
Is there something you haven't worked though?
Do you need a bit more help than you're leading on?
Facing the hard stuff is really the only pathway to freedom. You have the choice- either continue sitting uncomfortably in the middle seat on the airplane or deal with your trauma. Neither will feel good, but one is a lot more productive. Pinky promise.
Freedom is just on the other side of fear.
Take care, always.
E
P. S. Thank you, Aunt Shelley for your insight into this post and for reminding me we don’t get a window seat in life — and it’s a darn good thing we don’t!
P. P. S. I would like to give a big THANK YOU to Hope Church, my original church family in New Jersey, for taking such good care of me, my dad and my sister through all of my mom's health issues. All of the hospital visits, all of the prayer, all of the support- you were there when we needed it the most. Thank you for everything. SHAMELESS PLUG: If you are looking for an amazing church family in Northern New Jersey, go check out Hope! There you will meet some of the most kind and genuine people in the world.
Hope Church
Sundays at 10am | 658 Millbrook Ave, Randolph, NJ 07869
973-895-9991 | http://www.realhope.org/
Written November 24, 2019
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