I have been dealing with this a lot lately, so I figured I'd write about it.
Why the picture of flowers?
Because I assumed some ladies in my life would appreciate getting flowers this past weekend - it was Mother's Day after all!
I think that's a good assumption to have.
Women always want flowers.
Or at least I do.
Men- take note. It's always a good idea to get your lady flowers.
Single ladies? Buy yourself flowers! I do it all the time.
But.... have you ever had an assumption that was just dead WRONG?
And then you feel like such an idiot for overthinking and worrying about it for so long?
Or is that just me??
Why do we live our lives thinking everyone else can read our minds?
Or even worse...thinking WE can read OTHER people's minds?
And we think we know what they're thinking without even asking them!?
It's kind to have manners, of course, but what I'm talking about here is the chronic, debilitating thoughts.
When you CONSTANTLY worry about what everyone ELSE is thinking.
Or what you THINK everyone else is thinking....
Everyone else.
Everyone, Els.
Els!
Pun intended.
STOP WORRYING!
Take for example- yesterday.
I was all worried about being too loud.
Shocking, I know.
Me? Loud?
I'M ALWAYS LOUD!
(And I'm probably the only person that blogs with this many capital letters and exclamation marks!!)
But really - I am self aware. Probably too self aware, and I worry about being too loud far too much.
So back to my story.
A pipe got loose under the sink and water was spewing out everywhere!
I grabbed a few towels and got to work. I was banging and smacking things around, trying to get everything out from under the sink before it all got soaked.
And....the entire time I was cleaning up the mess, I was worrying about being too loud and annoying and disrupting my roommates.
The best part of it all?
THEY COULDN'T EVEN HEAR ME!
They didn't even know a fiasco was going on in the kitchen AT ALL!
And there I was all worried that I was making too much noise.
This is a really small example, but I could think of hundreds more. So REALLY though...why are we freaking crazy?
And why do we always assume the worst?
Why do we think everyone is out to get us and hates us sometimes?
And every single thing we do is annoying someone?
Probably because you're a people pleaser like me, that's why!
I have been really challenged with some thoughts lately and needed to share them. Maybe this is more of an "Elsa gives advice" post, but like, really...
WE HAVE GOT TO STOP ASSUMING!
WE HAVE GOT TO STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO PERSONALLY!
AND WE HAVE GOT TO STOP THINKING WE KNOW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING WITHOUT EVEN ASKING THEM!
Unless someone explicitly told you that you're too loud, assume you're not.
How much nicer would life be if we all assumed the best?
Furthermore, it's not YOUR responsibility to guess how OTHER people are doing or feeling all the time.
It's THEIR job to tell you.
Yes, reading people is a great trait. Knowing when someone is "off" is a gift. Being aware of the needs of others is AMAZING- but like, what about when that gift is taken too far?
And you live in constant anxiety and fear and walk around on egg shells about literally every tiny little thing you do? And that you are always bothering EVERYONE?
I know someone reading this can relate.
Here is your friendly reminder of the day that you are only responsible for YOU.
It's sure taken me a lot of years (and a lot of anxiety and false guilt) to figure this out.
And I still struggle with it all the time.
I have to consciously tell myself, "Elsa, that is not your job. You are not responsible for other people's feelings. Unless they tell you or you ask, you don't know what they are thinking! And as long as you were kind and did the right thing, why are you worrying so much?"
Maybe it's because that friend didn't text you back.
"Oh no, did I say something that hurt her feelings?"
And then you start feeling guilty for it - even though you actually have NO idea why she didn't text you back. It might not even have anything to do with you at all, but you take it personally.
Or the guy that didn't call you back.
"Does he not like me anymore? Did I do something wrong?"
The constant assuming, constant anxiety and worrying about what EVERYONE ELSE IS THINKING OF YOU HAS GOT TO STOP!
Stay in your lane.
Stop assuming.
And stop comparing your life to everyone else's!
"I'm doing more than him, I'm doing less than her. Wow I am so amazing, I do so much in a day. Wow, I never do enough, I'm not doing enough...."
STOP THAT.
LIVE YOUR LIFE.
WHO CARES!
Nobody else is you.
Nobody else has your experiences.
And nobody else has what you have to give to the world.
I could go on and on but I'll keep it brief.
(Another post is coming about never feeling like you do enough...stay tuned.)
Let's stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and assuming the worst.
Before you assume, try asking.
And if they lie to you- which 50% of the time people do lie about stuff when they're asked point blank questions like, "hey does it annoy you when I do THIS?"
THAT'S ON THEM!!
You are not responsible for guessing what they're thinking!
And how nice is life when you're not always worrying about everyone else anyway??
You have SO much value to add to this world.
And the way people react and respond to you says more about THEM than it says about YOU!
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Be loving.
But for the love of God, stop being a pushover.
Stand up for what is right.
Stand up for yourself.
And you do you, boo!!
And stop worrying so much about everyone else!!
Stay in your lane.
Love your lane.
Water your own grass.
The other stuff is probably AstroTurf anyway....or it's really nice lawn because they're taking time to water their own grass.
ARE YOU WATERING YOUR OWN??
Either way though?
Who cares.
It's THEIR lawn, NOT yours.
Other people's opinions aren't the end all be all anyway.
"Thanks for having that opinion. Good for you. You're entitled to that opinion too."
But really- what someone thinks about you? It's none of your business.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
Xx
E
P. S. I'd like to note that most of my thoughts/opinions are basically just advice I've heard and gotten along the way...as well as learning everything the hard way! Thank you to all the counselors and mentors and friends I've had to teach me these lessons. And family members! You know who you are! We are ALWAYS a work in progress!
P. P. S. If you are an Enneagram 2 and are always are buying people gifts, like me, maybe ask before you get them a gift. Flowers are fine, but like, are you overextending yourself? Are you assuming they "need" that? Do they even want it? And are you just getting them gifts because deep down you only feel loved if you're doing things for other people? Food for thought.
P. P. P. S. If you do struggle with codependency, people pleasing, or really anything I've mentioned above, please check out the following books. They might really help you with your tendencies to be more worried about what others think of you than what God thinks of you- and they might change your life like they've changed mine. And please give me a call when I get my counseling degree - I will be taking on new clients!
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