I was having coffee with a friend the other day and had a moment. I was enjoying my Oat Milk Rose Latte (so California, right?) and a vegan berry filled puff pastry (wow, really really California) and I was just at peace.
I wasn't overthinking, I was enjoying laughing with my friend and for a brief moment in time, I wasn't thinking about my body at all.
"I think 'm practicing intuitive eating," I thought to myself.
"I'm not planning out what I'll eat later because of this pastry and I ordered what I actually wanted."
"I'm not worried about how my legs look right now and I don't feel shame eating this in public."
"Maybe I'm further along than I give myself credit for."
"Is this how normal people live? WOW this is NICE!"
And then I proceeded to go home, finish my work day and overeat later than night.
And I felt trapped all over again.
Disclaimer: maybe it wasn't even a full out binge. I didn't eat a pint of ice cream or an entire pizza. It was just too many snacks because I hadn't actually eaten a legit meal all day. My body was craving real food that I never gave it. Needless to say, it still left me sitting in shame.
How could I be totally fine in the morning and then totally ruin it later that night?
UGHHHH.
It's moments like this where I wish I could just "control alt delete" things in life.
Didn't mean to say that.
Didn't mean to eat that.
Didn't mean to date him.
Can I just Ctrl Alt DELETE?
But that's not the way life works.
And honestly?
From the bottom of my heart?
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Truly. Call me crazy, but life would be so dull without the pain because we wouldn't appreciate the joy. How would I ever be thankful for the times I don't think about my body or overthink food and enjoy the people AROUND me if I didn't struggle so much?
And if I didn't experience the valleys of my distorted eating, how would I ever appreciate the mountain top of enjoying a freaking oat milk latte without overthinking it?!?
The first rule of intuitive eating is this: Give yourself unconditional permission to eat all foods — even "bad" ones.
I'm doing this and it's scary. But it's also freaking awesome. It's so nice to buy Cheetos, pita chips and hazelnut chocolate spread and forget they're even in my cupboard.
Giving food less power feels so good.
Truthfully, maybe I don't even know what I'm doing.
I'm trying to heal from issues I've had for like 10 years all by myself.
Well not completely alone, I have amazing people who support me, but like, I'm trying to heal while still living my normal life. I'm not at some Treatment Facility for this, I still have to work a full time job, live on my own and nobody is preparing my meals or telling me what to do every step of the way.
And I think there are a lot of people out there that are just like me.
You have issues. You have struggles. And maybe it hasn't been diagnosed because you're not rail thing or extremely overweight....but why is that the metric for being sick and for needing help? Unlike you, eating disorders don't have a "type."
If you are more preoccupied with going to the gym over seeing a friend, avoid meals, restrict food, binge eat, cancel plans because you're afraid of the food that will be served, always starting a new diet on Monday, fluctuate 10-15 pounds all the time and overall just never feel good enough about the way you look....don't you think you might need help?
This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, so I'm like, extra passionate about this.
This is why I'm posting this.
I want you to get help too.
Maybe it's not "bad enough" that you have to go to a Facility. Mine never was. But it's still taken away from my life for way too long.
Do you really want to wake up in 30 years still hating yourself and thinking you are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, toned enough, blah blah blah, fill in the blank?
You may not even realize it's an eating disorder.
I want to help you if you're struggling by sharing with you that it's not another diet that will solve your issues. It's surrendering.
And I am learning this through intuitive eating.
If you have no idea what this is, I highly recommend you Google that ish up immediately. Intuitive eating is all about surrender - and actually eating what you want and what your body craves!
From personal experience, I know that surrender is the only path to lasting freedom, and it extends far beyond body image/overeating/restricting...because really, at the end of the day, none of this really has to do with the food or what your body looks like. It's always been something deeper.
Maybe you're like me in your healing.
You're just figuring it out, praying you'll eventually make it to the other side.
You're realizing you want your life back and you follow as many encouraging Instagram accounts as you can and tell yourself you're beautiful in the mirror even when you feel like crap.
I just want to tell you that I'm proud of you.
You're healing.
You're doing the work.
And you are not alone.
Just keep throwing darts at the dart board of intuitive eating until you hit the bulls-eye.
Some days will be great and you won't overthink food.
Other days you'll be eating with reckless abandon and shoving Challah bread down your throat.
This is how I am learning to eat intuitively at least. And for the most part, I feel totally out of control and I don't know what I'm doing.
But like I said before, intuitive eating is a practice!
We have to start all over every day and practice all over again.
Sounds a lot like grace, huh?
No matter how the day was before, we get to wake up the next morning with a clean slate.
We always get another chance.
Just like life, there's always something. Nothing is ever really perfect. (And the people you think are perfect-get your eyes checked. It's a mirage).
WHAT WOULD WE TALK ABOUT IF WE DIDN'T HAVE ISSUES?
This would be the most boring Blog ever if my life was perfect and I didn't have issues.
And really, there's nothing better in the world than ripping about your life to your friend and venting about your problems.
If everything was perfect, life would be so boring.
Healing is a practice and life will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean you can't heal.
Today is the first day of Lent and I can't think of a better thing to give up for the next 40 days than hating your body.
It's time to get your life back.
I want you to be free.
So stop apologizing for your body.
Stop believing the lie that you're unworthy because your body has changed.
Take up space.
Wear the crop top.
Tell shame to GTFO.
I promise you it's worth it.
Pinky promise.
E
SOME FACTS ABOUT INTUITIVE EATING:
"IE is not a diet. No foods are forbidden. Instead, you give yourself unconditional permission to eat all foods, under one condition: You stay tuned in to your body.
That means paying attention to when you feel hungry, and when you feel full. That means eating something fatty when you're craving something fatty, not trying to squash that craving with a plate of celery sticks. That means monitoring how your body feels after you eat certain foods, and using that information to decide what to eat in the future.
That also means ignoring all the external influences that have previously governed your food choices. Diet books, nutrition blogs, Instagram fitness plans, that insistent voice in your head that tells you you're "bad" for eating a bag of gummy worms — none of that factors in.
When you decide what to eat, you consult only one source: yourself."
-Caroline Praderio
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